Careful What You Wish For
by Jules Hawk
Summary: He'd worshiped her from afar, always wanted the chance to say hello, maybe to serve under her. Then his mission had gone horribly wrong and he blamed her, resented her for it. Or did he. James Vega finds himself in a position he never expected and has to come to terms with his own pain and doubt. Bioware owns all thing Mass Effect, I'm just playing in their sandbox.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So here we go with the story of Commander Andora Shepard and James Vega. This Shepard is a colonist, war hero and an engineer. I hope you like her.

Chapters usually average between 2500 and 3500 words and I try to update weekly. This is told mostly from James' POV.

Just a note on timing. Fehl Prime and taking down the Collector Base happened in the same year. James mentions that his intel had become useless because of Shepard taking it down at the beginning ME3. I'm assuming, for the sake of this tale, that they happened pretty close together. I've also taken a bit of leeway for how Shepard is taken into custody. Hope you enjoy it.

* * *

**** 1 ****

He should have known better. James Vega's world became a living hell of bloodied bodies, pounding fists, broken bones and bruises. He cursed the vid that started it all as he fought his way through Afterlife, getting in his fair share of hits, taking out the eyes of those closest to him knowing they were the weakest part of the batarian's face. The batarians were calling for blood over the destruction of a colony by Commander Shepard and his anger at both of them ended up with him surrounded and outnumbered.

It had seemed so easy to rip the vid screen from the wall, use it as a weapon to take down the batarians he'd been playing cards with minutes earlier, and to blame Commander Shepard for his need to do it. He had lost himself in rage and lost control of himself and now it looked like he was going to lose his life. Diving out of the upper storey window and using a batarian as a landing platform probably hadn't been his wisest idea he thought as he shook his head to clear his vision, hurriedly getting to his feet as batarians charged out of the nightclub after him.

That was how Anderson found him. Running and fighting his way out of batarian hands as they tried to pull him down, to beat him for being a Shepard lover when he was anything but. James heard the shot and assumed one of his attackers had found a weapon. It wasn't until the batarians started backing away he realised it was someone else. He turned and looked into the disappointed eyes of David Anderson and knew he was in trouble. Not only that, he had let down someone he respected and admired. He wanted to curl up and die but Anderson walked him to his accommodation, sobered him up and lectured him long and hard about his behaviour.

'James, you have to get over this, you're too good a soldier to lose,' Anderson had yelled at him and James hated himself.

Anderson had been a friend, a mentor, for a long time now. He knew James' story, his past, and didn't feel sorry for him, instead he encouraged him at every opportunity. When he had joined the Alliance James had been unsure, afraid, although he would never admit to that. Anderson had found him and saw something that made him take him under his wing. He had guided James's career and had seen him become an excellent soldier and a reliable, trustworthy man. Now here he was pulling his ass out of the fire again.

_Pendejo_, James cursed himself silently as Anderson tried to get him to see sense.

'You've been through this before, lost men in your unit, it happens.'

'Yeah, but this time was an absolute waste of lives. And it wasn't just my men, they were civilians.' James tried not to sound like he was making excuses but it still sounded like he was whining.

'I need you James, I have a mission,' Anderson sighed and James couldn't help but feel guilty. 'You've got an hour to decide if you still want to be a marine and if you want the job.'

'Why me?' James argued, 'You should be throwing me in the brig not dragging my ass back to the Alliance.' James hadn't been ready to go back when his leave was over so technically he was absent without leave, a punishable offence.

Anderson chuckled, 'oh, you'll be close. This is an important job and you're the only man I trust to do it.' He gripped James' shoulder and looked him in the eye, 'don't let me down.'

So, he'd packed his stuff and now sat in a dark corner of Afterlife, completely sober, trying to decide where his future lay. The ice cracked and tinkled against the side of the glass as he swirled his drink and it slowly melted. The dark brown liquid hadn't touched his lips, he'd bought it purely out of habit and he needed something to keep his hands occupied. He was completely oblivious to the noise and activity around him, the dancers, the music and the loud conversations trying to get over the music.

Only hours ago this had been his haven. The asari dancers, the noise, the fights and the alcohol had been his escape from reality, from guilt and grief. He hadn't had to think about what happened, how he felt like a failure, how he blamed himself. He drowned his sorrows, gambled away his grief and fought his way out of guilt. He had returned here, hoping to find some clarity of thought, but it wasn't working.

'You're quiet, James,' Jaruk wiped the bar, trying to look busy. 'Something wrong?'

James looked up at the Turian bartender, 'Yeah, I have a decision to make that will affect the rest of my life.'

'Does the decision affect anyone but you?'

'No, not really, might disappoint a few people.'

'Then what's the problem? You know deep within what the right choice is.' He stopped wiping the bar and looked James in the eye, 'What is it you humans say, follow your heart.'

'Easy for you to say,' James scowled.

'Look at it this way,' Jaruk shrugged, 'one year from now what would you rather be doing?' With a chuckle he walked away to serve another customer.

James thought about it. What would he rather be doing? Being a soldier was something he was good at, proud of. His uncle had convinced him that he should join up and he didn't regret that for a moment. He felt like he belonged, he had a family. Right up until his last mission.

Why was it affecting him so much? Most people looked at him and saw a burly, muscular man and assumed that was all he was, that he put everything into keeping himself fit, making himself look good. Not many took the time to find the caring heart underneath the hard looking exterior. That heart was giving him grief now.

He'd lost squad mates before, he was a soldier, it was expected. He'd never lost a CO before, never had to take command under battle conditions, and he'd liked Captain Toni, he was an officer who cared about the men under his command. He had definitely never been responsible for civilian deaths before. His choice to save the intel resulted in their deaths, only to find that the intel was already superseded by someone else's actions. That was where his coping mechanisms were failing him. He'd sacrificed innocent civilians for no reason. Did that make him a murderer?

Yeah, he was just following orders, gathering intel, he could use that as his excuse. It didn't stop the feelings of failure or of guilt. If he'd known the intel wasn't as important would he have made a different choice? He wasn't sure. Would he have let Treeya die, saved April and her mother, saved the colonists? Grief threatened to overwhelm him as he thought about them but he forced it down, resisted the urge to gulp down his drink. Whichever way he'd chosen someone would have died. All he could see now was that the Alliance had put him in that position and he hated them for it.

Yet he didn't want to quit. He'd been a soldier long enough to know that situations changed, that those changes didn't carry down the line of command very quickly. Being on the ground involved spur of the moment thinking, dealing with what the mission threw at you. He made his decisions based on what he knew at the time. He also knew what was coming if the rumours were true, if Shepard was right. War. Those civilians had become casualties of a war that was only just beginning.

The decision really was easy. He wasn't the kind to spend his life wallowing in self-pity with no direction or purpose. He had a purpose, he had to defend those who couldn't defend themselves, put himself between the enemy and their targets. He was a soldier, it was what he did, proudly. With a shrug and a sigh he pushed aside his drink, stood and walked out of Afterlife to meet Anderson's shuttle.

* * *

Commander Shepard. Commander fucking Shepard!

James didn't know whether to be angry or disappointed. Babysitting. The important mission Anderson had wanted him for was babysitting Commander Shepard. He'd expected to be going planet side somewhere, he could have dealt with that, had something to focus on. Instead, he would be stuck on Earth at HQ, babysitting a damn hero of the Citadel, Elysium and more. Security Officer. Anderson had given it a fancy title and when James had pointed out that it was still babysitting Anderson had given him a strange look, chuckled and shook his head.

'I think you'll find her an unruly, difficult child,' Anderson had scoffed. 'James, I need you to do this. I need someone I can trust to do what needs to be done, to make sure she survives what's coming.' Anderson spoke softly and James suddenly realised there was more to this. 'I need you to be ready for anything.'

James thought about it. The last person in the galaxy that needed protection was Commander Shepard. The woman was a legend. She'd been his hero since the first time he heard of her, holding off batarians single handedly, taking down Saren who worked for a Reaper, _oh that's right, they didn't exist_. He'd admired her, worshipped her in his own way, which resulted in numerous cold showers. He carried a patch of the Normandy, always hoping, wishing, he might get the chance to meet her, to serve with her. He'd seen her once and promised himself next time he'd say hello. This wasn't exactly what he'd had in mind.

Then she'd died and come back. He was the first to admit he didn't understand how that happened, only that it had. She'd taken down the Collectors, supposedly stopped the Reapers by destroying a solar system and killing a batarian colony. There were many who called her a traitor because she used Cerberus to do it. She was the reason his intel had become useless, redundant. She was the reason the civilian lives he'd sacrificed played on his mind, haunted him. He resented her for it.

Yet here he was, sitting in a shuttle with two of the highest ranking, most highly decorated officers of the Alliance. Admirals Anderson and Hackett. Two men he was in awe of. They were heading out to meet the Normandy. Shepard was surrendering to the Alliance.

It had been ten days since the destruction of the Bahak system and there had been calls for Shepard's head from the batarians. The Citadel Council had been unusually quiet, letting the Alliance deal with their ex-officer. James was sure they didn't want to get caught in the middle of a war between humanity and the batarians, even though Shepard was still a Spectre and humanity had a member on that council. They were passing the buck.

Anderson had given James Shepard's file, warning him that there was a lot of classified information that wasn't public knowledge but he needed to know the woman he would be responsible for guarding. James hadn't read any of it yet, he hadn't wanted to. There was still resentment there and he was wondering if he truly was the man for this job. It didn't help when he'd discovered that she was surrendering under certain conditions. Under Alliance law she was a criminal, she would go to trial for what she'd done. What right did she have to set conditions? He didn't understand why two of the most powerful men in the Alliance were protecting her. But then he didn't know why Anderson hadn't thrown him in the brig either.

He was lost in a sea of confusing thoughts. He'd admired her, was in awe of her and yet he blamed her for his mission being a complete waste of lives. He'd always wanted to meet her, to see if the woman underneath the Commander was as hard and cold as rumours said, now he was getting that opportunity and all he wanted to do was run away.

'Are you alright, James?' Anderson was frowning at him and James guessed his doubts must have shown.

'Fine sir,' James nodded and rolled his neck to ease the tension in his shoulders and winced as pain reminded him of the bruising on his body. At least he'd had a clean Alliance t-shirt so he could lose the bloody one he'd been wearing when Anderson found him. He hadn't packed much when he'd headed for Omega, he definitely hadn't carried his dress blues or uniform. He reached up absently at the butterfly strip that was holding the cut above his eye closed, he hadn't packed any medigel either.

'Looking forward to meeting Commander Shepard, Lieutenant?' Hackett asked cheerfully.

'Just doing my job, sir.'

Hackett glanced at Anderson who shook his head. Anderson was a little concerned, he knew James had always admired Shepard but since Fehl Prime James had hardened. He was an excellent marine, quick thinking, cared about those under his command, was not afraid to get down in the mud if necessary and he was physically capable of holding off would be attackers. He was someone who always did the right thing, knew what the right decision was; Anderson was going to nominate him for N training. But Fehl Prime had made him doubt himself. He reminded him very much of Shepard, especially after Elysium and then Virmire, and Anderson couldn't think of a more suitable guard for her. He hoped James would become a friend to Shepard, she was going to need one. He also thought it might drag James out of the fugue he was in, he knew the marine was better than that.

'Approaching the Normandy, sir,' the pilot broke into his thoughts.

James watched on the monitor as the Normandy came into view. She was sleek and sexy, but extensive damage was clearly visible. Gouges along her hull and kinetic barriers covering holes told of serious fighting. But she was still flying.

'She's a bit worse than I expected,' Anderson sounded worried.

'With what she's been through I'm not surprised,' Hackett sighed.

'That's some ship,' James couldn't hide his awe. He hadn't seen the SR-2 and he was impressed.

'Yes she is,' Anderson chuckled. 'Bigger, faster and better armed than the SR-1. You have to give Cerberus credit, they certainly know how to build ships. Shepard knows how to make it deadly.'

James watched the ship grow larger. He'd followed the Normandy since the commissioning of the SR-1, he liked the idea of a stealth ship and he'd been impressed right from the start. He knew about her pilot, his illness, and wondered why he'd been given the job. When the stories had started coming in during their chase for Saren James had begun to understand. He'd been on one of the ships during the Citadel attack, he'd watched in amazement as the Normandy danced among the enemy, dealing the killing blow to a monster no-one wanted to believe was real. The pilot might not be able to walk very well but he could certainly fly. Obviously others thought so too as that same pilot was at the helm of the new Normandy.

'Normandy, Admirals Hackett and Anderson request permission to enter the shuttle bay,' the pilot followed standard procedure.

'If it was up to me I'd say no,' came back the reply, 'but it's not so I guess you can come in.'

'Guess Joker hasn't changed,' Anderson barked a laugh and Hackett chuckled.

James almost gaped. He'd seen Anderson dress down a soldier for ignoring protocol, but to laugh off straight out rudeness was unexpected.

'You'll get used to Joker,' Anderson grinned at him. 'Once you get past his defences you might actually like him.'

'It will be good to have him and the Normandy back in the fleet,' Hackett nodded. 'I've never seen anyone fly like he does. Although now he's been through the Omega 4 relay and lived to tell about it he'll be impossible to live with.'

'He's earned it. He saved all their lives going by Shepard's report.'

James didn't think his eyes could get any wider or his eyebrows any higher. _Holy Hell! The Omega 4!_ He really needed to read some of Shepard's files and the numerous reports from her time with Cerberus. He knew they'd taken down the Collectors and stopped the Reapers, it was why his mission was all but a failure, but he didn't realise they'd gone through the Omega 4 relay to do it. He had to admit though, he'd been too busy drowning his own sorrows and blaming her for his grief to listen to details when news started coming in. After Alliance brass had told him his intel wasn't needed because Shepard had already sent them more detailed reports he'd deliberately turned off any news of Shepard, it was why he'd ripped that vid screen from the wall. That and an underlying need to prove to himself that he was over his Shepard worship.

'You didn't read any of the files, did you James,' Anderson sighed and shook his head.

'Ah, no sir, sorry sir,' James tried to ignore the heat in his face.

'I suggest you do.' Hackett pulled himself upright as the shuttle entered the bay of the Normandy. 'You need to know who you're protecting her from and exactly what she can do.'

'Yes sir,' James nodded and followed Anderson to his feet.


	2. Chapter 2

**** 2 ****

This was the Normandy. Stepping onto her deck was bittersweet. He'd always hoped he'd get the chance to stand here, to be on board what had become a legendary ship, in either incarnation. The SR-1 had been the most talked about ship in the fleet, he'd been proud to wear his 'Remember the Normandy' badge on his arnour. This version of the Normandy was living up to the legend of the first even if it was under a Cerberus banner. He very much doubted that this was still a Cerberus ship, this was Shepard's ship, just like the first one. He'd always wanted to meet the crew who were legends in their own right, hear their tales of adventure and suicidal missions.

That all changed after Fehl Prime. He'd let go of his hero worship, forgotten all about the Normandy and what she stood for, he was too busy trying to avoid his own failings. He'd been confused and completely shell shocked by his promotion for letting civilians die. He'd sworn to protect them and he had been rewarded for breaking that oath. Now he stood on the deck and there was resentment for her commander. Logically he knew it wasn't her fault but he still hadn't dealt with his own grief and guilt. He realised he would have to come to terms with it, and soon if he was going to be spending time with the woman he partially blamed for his failure.

The Normandy was something else. He glanced around at the shuttle and hammerhead sitting in the bay, now that he'd like to fly. The armoury was missing. On an Alliance ship it would be on this deck, close to where ground teams departed for missions so maybe Cerberus only built to civilian specs. The sound of elevator doors opening dragged his eyes back to the direction Anderson and Hackett were heading. They both stopped as the elevator opened and crew members stepped out.

James watched curiously as they stepped between the two admirals and the elevator. The man in the lead walked with a limp but the determination and pride in his step was unmistakable. His eyes were hidden under a cap but James could feel the resentment aimed at the admirals from where he stood against the shuttle. This had to be the pilot. James watched as he stopped, smirked at the admirals then turned so he was sideways to the elevator and stood at parade rest.

A turian moved opposite him, his armour damaged and his face scarred. His cold eyes stared at the admirals then he too turned and stood at parade rest. There was pride in his stance and an unassuming strength the way his hands rested against his back. James wasn't stupid, he knew experience when he saw it, he'd seen enough turian soldiers to know they were dependable and capable warriors. James wondered what it would be like to talk weapons with him, spar with him, if he was on the Normandy he had to be good at what he did and he was more than happy to learn from it. One by one other crew members stepped into line, one to each side creating a corridor leading to the elevator.

A dark haired woman whose outfit left little to the imagination, although he could see where a patch had been added, as if something had been removed or covered. A quarian, obviously a female from her shape, standing proudly alongside the others, her face hidden beneath the mask that James knew was keeping her alive. A grizzled old warrior whose armour had definitely seen better days and his face showed just how rough his life had been. A drell, not a species often seen, especially on a warship, there was a calmness about him but James got the feeling he was deadly. A krogan, a young one by krogan standards, he was obviously not happy about the situation as he fidgeted angrily.

'Grunt,' the turian gave him a glance and he settled down, quietly watching the two admirals and James knew he'd be uncomfortable under that glare. The very fact that the krogan had taken notice of the turian made James more aware of how high up he was in the hierarchy on the ship. Krogans didn't usually take orders from someone they didn't respect.

More crew appeared as the elevator made a second trip into the cargo bay. A dark skinned man who had the stance of a soldier; a heavily tattooed, almost dressed woman who had an air of danger about her as she stood with her arms folded across her chest, her hip cocked and anger in her eyes, aimed squarely at the two admirals. She was someone James would hate to meet in a dark alley. An asari stood beside her in the most seductive armour James had ever seen. She was regal in stature but power rolled off her in waves and the hair on the back of James' neck stood up. There was a female, her face hidden by a hood but he got the feeling she was extremely agile and deliberately wouldn't stand out in a crowd. A salarian who looked like he'd won first prize at a science fair, James didn't know they could smile so wide.

He couldn't help the gasp that escaped as a geth stepped into line. It had a gaping hole in its body and N7 armour strapped to its arm. There was no shifting of feet or nervous glances as it took its place in line. It was obviously part of the crew and James was completely at a loss as to how that could possibly happen. The elevator dinged and even more crew stepped out. People continued to form the lines, these were engineers, medical and bridge crew. A blue flash caught his eye in the observation window on the engineering deck as an orb appeared and he assumed it was some sort of VI interface, possibly recording what was happening.

James suddenly realised that those at his end of the line were Shepard's ground team, the people she relied on to have her back in a fire fight, except for the pilot of course, but even he'd done his fair share of having her back. James had read about Jeff 'Joker' Moreau and his skill as a pilot, he'd always wanted to meet the man and now here he was on the Normandy. The magnitude of that wasn't lost on him.

These people were making it abundantly clear that they were not impressed with the unfolding events. A knife could cut the tension in the room. He shivered and he was seriously impressed with the two admirals who stood directly before these people and didn't flinch. For a fleeting moment he was afraid they might take matters into their own hands, stop Shepard from surrendering. He doubted Hackett and Anderson would stand a chance if that happened, N7s or not, hell, he wouldn't stand a chance either and his hand to hand skills were better than most.

The elevator dinged again and James straightened instinctively. There was no more room for crew so only one person could be about to step onto the deck. As much as there was resentment in his head, there was still admiration for a great warrior in his heart. She was someone who had beaten the odds, become a famous marine, a decorated N7 and a Spectre, and now she had taken down an enemy dedicated to killing off the human race. Why wouldn't he be in awe of her?

The door slid aside as the pilot called everyone to attention. It was instinctive, muscle memory, and James found himself following the command. Everyone on the deck followed it, even the non-military personnel raised their hand in salute. The respect these people were showing was mind blowing because this wasn't a military ship in the strictest sense of the word. He doubted Cerberus required their crews to salute.

His eyes were riveted to the woman standing in the open doorway. For a moment she faltered, her eyes taking in her crew and he was sure he saw her breath hitch before she pulled herself erect and stepped onto the deck. It was so fast he thought he might have imagined it but as she worked her way down the line, stopping to speak to everyone individually and personally thanking them, he realised he hadn't. Her crew mattered to her that was obvious.

James was unable to look away. This woman was the reason he felt so guilty, she was the reason he felt like a failure, like a murderer. She was nothing like he expected. He'd seen the news reports about Elysium, hell, she was partly responsible for him joining the Alliance. He'd seen her once, years ago, a fleeting glimpse before she became _the_ Commander Shepard. After that, he'd only seen vids or images where she was presented as the greatest human warrior in the known universe and he'd expected someone completely different, someone befitting the legend.

He was amazed at how small she was, petite and most definitely feminine. She wasn't solid or butch like many female marines he'd known she was athletic and shapely. There was fluid grace in the way she moved, every movement precise and he wondered if she'd be the same on the battlefield. Her blonde hair rested on her collar and framed her face and though he could only see the side of her face it looked delicate. She was not what he expected at all. She was beautiful the first time he'd seen her, she was even more so now.

'Tell them all to fuck off, Shepard,' the tattooed woman held on to Shepard's arms. 'We can still go pirate.'

Shepard laughed but there was a tremor in her voice. As she moved down the line James could see her hands were shaking. The closer she got to the end the harder it seemed to be to let go of the hugs and move away. The turian held her tight, James thought he was never going to let her go but as they parted he was sure there were tears in both their eyes. He didn't know turians could cry. The pilot looked at the floor as she turned to him, maybe he figured if he didn't say goodbye she wouldn't leave. There was tenderness in her touch as she reached for his hands.

James felt like he was sharing something intimate as she wrapped her arms around the pilot and he returned the gesture. He buried his face in her neck, knocking his cap sideways. She clung to him, burying her face in his chest and James saw her shudder. It was almost as if she was trying not to cry. Was there something going on between these two? They weren't on an Alliance ship so regs probably weren't an issue. As she stepped back and cupped the pilot's face she gave him a weak smile and kissed him ever so softly on the cheek. That wasn't a lover's kiss that was friendship and appreciation, it was more like a sisterly kiss. Shepard visibly straightened, took a deep breath and turned to face the two admirals, snapping to attention and saluting.

'Admirals,' she waited for acknowledgement before dropping her arm and moving to parade rest.

'Shepard,' Anderson's voice shook and James glanced at him in surprise as he stepped forward and pulled the woman into hug, completely ignoring protocol and not hiding the emotion on his face.

'Anderson,' Shepard whispered but it echoed around the bay as she hugged him back. The relief on her face was obvious and James guessed there was more than a professional relationship between them. 'I'm glad it's you.'

'I wouldn't have it any other way,' he stepped back and Hackett stepped forward.

'Shepard,' he shook her hand but again James couldn't help but wonder if there was more there as well. The way his hand rested on her arm was more than CO and subordinate. He was really wishing now he'd read some of those files.

'Shepard, I'm glad you're doing this willingly,' Anderson placed his hand on her shoulder and glanced at the crew behind her when the pilot snorted. 'Joker,' Anderson walked over to the man who after a thoughtful pause reached for Anderson's offered hand. 'Thank you for taking care of her, I'm glad she had you watching her back.'

'Someone had to,' he scoffed and Anderson nodded.

'Garrus,' Anderson turned to face the turian who also took his offered hand after a pause. 'Glad to see you too.'

'What's going to happen to Shepard now?' The turian kept his grip on Anderson's hand, almost as if he was waiting for him to say the wrong thing.

'I can't tell you that, Garrus,' Anderson sounded remorseful. 'The fewer people who know what's going on the better.' The turian nodded and released his hand.

James was finding the whole thing surreal. He'd expected to come on board, take Shepard into custody and watch over her so she didn't escape or her crew didn't try and break her out. But this … this was like a family reunion and it was completely messing with his head. He knew of Garrus Vakarian, how he'd been there from the start with Shepard. Shepard, Moreau and Vakarian were three names he knew well, names among others he'd admired and he guessed that because they'd been together for so long they would be like family. He desperately wanted to be a part of that family. But he was here to take away their commander, the crew would probably hate him.

'I'm assuming that you've accepted my surrender and my conditions,' Shepard drew attention back to herself.

'Of course,' Hackett nodded. 'Only a select few know what's going on, people we can trust implicitly.'

'So Joker can have basic repairs done on Omega then drop any remaining crew off on Illium before bringing the Normandy to Earth where she will be loaned to the Alliance for the duration.' Shepard was frowning and James almost gaped.

'Yes, as per your acceptance we will have an Alliance Officer meet the Normandy at Illium to facilitate her return to Earth.' Hackett smiled as she nodded.

'Guess we'd better get this show on the road then,' Shepard sighed. With a last touch of the pilot's hand and a gentle rub on the arm of the turian she moved between the admirals.

'James,' Anderson called him over and James hurried to where the admiral waited. 'Shepard, this is Lieutenant James Vega, he will be your shadow during this fiasco. He is responsible for you and your safety during your stay at HQ.'

James suddenly felt like a fish in a bowl as all eyes turned towards him. He forced himself erect and met the questioning stares of the crew before facing Shepard. These people were some of the best warriors out there and he had a lot to live up to.

'Ma'am.' He saluted and Shepard chuckled.

'No need to salute me LT, I'm not in the Alliance.'

'Yes, ma'am,' James dropped his arm and met her gaze. She might not be in the Alliance, he might not be her biggest fan right now, but she was definitely someone worthy of respect.

Her amber eyes looked him over, narrowing slightly as she took in the newly acquired bruises and cuts on his face. When he met her eyes he was blown away at the power and strength looking back at him. It hit him then. This was no ordinary woman, she could probably wipe the floor with him, how the hell was he supposed to prevent her from escaping. As if sensing his thoughts the corner of her mouth tilted up and it was the sexiest thing James had ever seen. He heard his heart pounding and hurriedly forced his thoughts under control.

'He'll do,' Shepard chuckled.

'Thank god,' Anderson stooped in relief, 'I was afraid I'd have a fight on my hands.'

'No,' Shepard sighed and James could hear defeat in her voice. 'I understand the necessity.'

'Are you ready, Shepard?' Hackett took her elbow gently in his hand and she nodded. 'All right, let's do this.'

'Ten Hut!' The pilot's command echoed around the bay and once again James found himself straightening.

Shepard turned and accepted her crew's salute before hurriedly walking to the shuttle. She kept her back straight and her face held no emotion as she stepped aboard and took a seat, never once glancing back. James followed the admirals who sat opposite leaving only a seat alongside Shepard for him. Rather than sit he hung on to the support beam above him and remained standing.

Shepard sat rigidly in the seat as the shuttle left the bay and James was starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, she was the cold hearted bitch everyone said she was. He would be happy about that, it would make it easier to handle being around her. His head told him that it would be easier to blame her that way, his heart was telling him that this was all wrong, that she didn't deserve this or his bitterness. He almost groaned aloud as the two sides of his conscience warred in his head. She had to be the cold hearted monster otherwise he was already lost, he'd give himself heart and soul to protect her. It was who he was, he couldn't do this any other way.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone reading, reviewing, following or favouriting this fic, you guys really make my day. I just hope I do it justice and don't disappoint everyone. **

**Blausen - yeah I got it, already lost - lol! Made me chuckle even though my response might not have made that apparent. Thanks for that.**

** Enjoy.**

* * *

**** 3 ****

James watched the Normandy grow smaller as they moved away, saddened by the thought that he might never get to stand on her deck again, apprehensive about the future and a little excited about spending time with Shepard. A reverent silence permeated the shuttle, it was a heavy weight sitting on their shoulders as the ship became a dot in the distance. The Normandy receded and the future approached. A future that could have them all fighting for their lives if what Shepard said was true.

He glanced at Shepard and his breath caught in his throat at the emotion on her face. Her shoulders were slumped and her hands clenched as if she was in pain. Her eyes were moist and he was almost sure he saw a tremor in her bottom lip before she bit down on it. She was leaving more than just a ship, she was leaving her home, her family. She was being ripped away from everything loved. She hadn't not looked back because she was a cold hearted monster, she hadn't looked back because it would have broken her, shattered the illusion that she was in control. His heart went out to her, he wanted to take away her pain.

Shock cursed through him. Only an hour ago he'd wanted to be re-assigned, wanted to be away from the woman he blamed for his failure. What resentment he'd felt seemed to disappear as he watched her fight the emotion that was tearing her apart. This wasn't a woman who had deliberately gone out of her way to make him look like a murderer, she hadn't even known he existed. Everything he'd blamed her for was wrong, he made the decisions, he chose what he believed to be the right thing. He'd been doing his job just like she had. She could live with her choices, as painful as they might be. He needed to do the same.

As the Normandy disappeared from view James watched in amazement as the woman he'd admired for so long became the Commander he'd heard about. The vulnerability was gone, all emotion buried where it couldn't be used against her, she looked like the cold, unfeeling person he'd expected. She was preparing for a battle that would be more painful, more depressing and more heartbreaking than anything she'd probably faced before. She was putting her fate into the hands of those who didn't believe her and didn't trust her.

This time though there would be no team at her back to watch over her, no-one to take the shot that would bring down her enemy. She would be alone in a place where her life would be at risk, where anyone could be an enemy but not appear so. Looking at her now James could believe she was unbeatable, cold hearted, but for a brief moment he'd seen the woman underneath.

In that moment James felt an overwhelming need to protect _her_, that warm, caring person whose heart was breaking, not the monster who still lingered in his mind. He knew right then that he would put his life on the line for _her_ and have no regret. He squeezed his eyes shut, fighting the rollercoaster ride of conflicting emotions, one minute wanting to protect her the next wanting to hate her. James knew he needed time to learn about her, to get under the skin of Commander Shepard, maybe learn from her, to come to terms with the woman and not the legend.

The silence was oppressive, he wanted to drop to his knees under its weight and the emotions of those around him only added to the intensity of it. He opened his eyes to find her looking up at him and she nodded as if she understood what he was feeling.

'A Geth?' Anderson's voice broke the silence as he looked at her in disbelief and James let out a soft, relieved sigh. 'An assassin, a justicar, a mercenary, a thief, an uncontrollable biotic and a krogan, that's some team you put together Shepard.' He shook his head and Hackett chuckled, 'at least you had Garrus and Tali standing beside you, not sure how to feel about the Cerberus operatives though.'

'Whatever it takes to get the job done,' she shrugged and James realised that he thought the same way, always had and probably always would. 'What's being done to prepare?'

James assumed she was asking about her trial, how they would deal with the batarians call for blood. He knew there was no avoiding that so he was completely surprised when Hackett replied.

'We've got the fleets shoring up defences, we've managed to get a few ships fitted with better armaments but it's not enough.' Hackett sighed and brought up a fleet list, which he sent to Shepard's omnitool.

'What about stockpiles of supplies and ammunition?'

'We're making sure all ships are fully loaded with ammunition, food supplies are a little difficult. If we had a time frame it would be easier to prepare.' Hackett sent her another file. 'We're stockpiling on Earth and Luna. If the Reapers hit earth at least we'll have something to fight with.'

'We read your reports about the collector base and what you found,' Anderson frowned at her. 'A human reaper?'

'Yeah,' she visibly shivered and a look of horror crossed her face as she pulled her eyes away from her omnitool.

James couldn't help but feel worried. Anything that put a look like that on Shepard's face had to be bad. It suddenly registered what Anderson had said. Shepard had been sending them reports during her time with Cerberus, which had to be a double-edged blade. He strongly doubted that Cerberus would appreciate her sharing the knowledge with the Alliance, the Alliance would suspect anything that came from a Cerberus source. It was another target on her back. He really needed to read her files. It was also proof that she still believed in the Alliance, she was still Commander Shepard even though she didn't have the dog tags. For all anyone knew she could have been undercover, on an N7 mission, wasn't that what they did. Her voice dragged him out of his thoughts.

'What I didn't put in my reports was how they were building it, I found it hard to believe so putting in a report ….' She sighed and sat upright, meeting the gaze of the two men opposite. 'I've seen a lot of horror as a marine, as an N7 but this was beyond anything I've ever seen before.' She glanced out the window before continuing. 'I had to watch one of my crew and a colonist from somewhere get dissolved and sucked up into that thing. They were making human soup out of everyone they'd collected. I wasn't fast enough to save them.' She met their eyes calmly but her hands were shaking, 'they were still alive. I had to listen to their screams as their skin was washed away, as their muscle and bone just dissolved. All that was left was a sludge that was sucked through tubes to feed the monstrosity they were creating.'

James wanted to puke. Just the idea was enough to make his stomach churn but having to watch it and not be able to do anything about it …. as he looked at the admirals he could see their pale faces matched how he felt. He could only imagine how hard that would have been for her after seeing how she was with her crew. He suddenly felt disgusted with himself for ever blaming her for his own guilt. She deserved so much better than that.

'Then that fucking asshole …' she stood up and James stepped against the bulkhead as she paced the small space. She was angry and he understood her need to move. 'He wanted me to keep it intact, let Cerberus have it. He ordered Miranda to stop me from blowing the fucking thing up.' She stopped and shook her head, 'if Miranda hadn't stood up to him things might have been a whole lot different.'

'You always did have a way of drawing people to you,' Anderson was still pale and the weak smile he gave her held little warmth.

'Shit,' James whispered and the two admirals chuckled. 'Sorry, sirs,' he straightened, remembering who he was with.

'You'd better get used to speaking freely, around Shepard it's the normal way of life,' Anderson shook his head and chuckled when James looked at Shepard in surprise. 'Damn, I guess he's another soldier I'm about to lose to you Shepard.'

'I'll take good care of him sir,' Shepard grinned.

James looked at them both in turn, confusion evident on his face at the turn in conversation. He eventually met Shepard's stare and she simply raised an eyebrow at him.

'Anyway, we fought our way out.' She returned to her pacing, 'If I ever hear Harbinger's voice again it will be too soon.' When they gave her puzzled stares she grinned, 'yeah, seems this particular Reaper has it in for me. I guess I got their attention when we killed Sovereign, took down the Collectors and then I blew up the Alpha relay.'

'Two days?' Anderson looked from Hackett to Shepard, 'it was that close?'

'Yeah,' Shepard sat down and James moved a little closer. 'I just wish …'

'You did what you had to do, Shepard,' Anderson glanced up at James.

'Doesn't make it any easier to live with,' she sighed and looked out the window. 'Three hundred thousand batarians died because I did what I had to do.' Her voice cracked but she quickly cleared her throat and fought down emotion.

James stared at the floor, he couldn't bring himself to meet Anderson's gaze. He only killed a handful of civilians compared to her but she was right. It didn't make it any easier to live with. It felt strange to think he shared something with Shepard, even if it was guilt and regret.

'I'm sorry, Shepard,' Hackett lost some of the composure James had come to recognise. 'When I sent you in there I had no idea things would go so wrong.'

'You weren't to know, sir,' she sighed and shook her head.

'I should have,' he said forcefully and James could hear the guilt in his voice. 'I should have gathered more intelligence, I should have let you take your team.' He sat back against the seat with a sigh. 'You risked your life as a favour to me. I risked us losing you, two days unconscious and held close to a Reaper artefact. If I'd known Kenson and her team were indoctrinated I would have sent in a ghost team.'

'What's done is done,' she stared at the floor.

James looked at the admiral in surprise but it quickly turned to anger. He'd sent Shepard in, alone, as a favour to him and now he was letting her take the blame for it. Hackett might consider her special, important and irreplaceable but that didn't stop him from risking her life, risking everyone's future. His guilt made him appear like a friend rather than a superior but the man had just dropped several levels in James' eyes, the respect he had for the man replaced by condemnation. He knew Hackett had to send troops into dangerous situations but this was beyond that. This was personal.

'I know, but it doesn't make it any easier,' Hackett leant forward, elbows on his knees as he tried to look into her eyes. 'Now you have to go through this farce of a trial just to appease those who want to bury their heads in the sand.' She lifted her head and met his eyes before smirking and sitting upright. 'I'm still willing to admit to giving the order.'

'No!' she shook her head vehemently. 'We need you where you are, you're the one chance we have to be prepared, as much as we can be.'

Hackett sighed and sat back, remorse and sadness rolling off him in waves and James realised he might have misjudged him, assumed too quickly. He needed to stop jumping to conclusions and think things through. He needed to get his head back in the game.

'Anyway, the collector base is destroyed.' Shepard continued, 'Joker saved our lives. You should have seen him,' her face lit up and again James thought there was more than friendship there. 'We went through the Omega 4 relay with no idea what was on the other side. We came out into this huge debris field, hundreds of ships destroyed, just hanging there. Joker got us through, it was amazing to watch.'

'We always knew he was good,' Anderson chuckled.

'Good, he was brilliant. When the oculi came after us he found every hole, every space in the debris. He did it without even thinking about it.' Her face fell but there was still pride there, 'we took down the collector ship that destroyed the SR-1, Joker fired that shot, it was pure revenge and damn it felt good.' She gazed out the window for a moment as if remembering. 'Joker got us out of there with seconds to spare when we blew up the collector base.' She was serious as she turned her glare on the admirals, 'he deserves a commendation, hell he deserves a lot more than that. He deserves a medal and if he is grounded again I'll never forgive either of you.''

James swallowed hard at the look she gave the two men and it completely floored him when Admiral Hackett chuckled.

'I'll personally put those commendations into his file, once we've cleared you we might have to see about medals.' The old warrior smiled as Shepard nodded at him.

'Don't know about the medals,' she grinned, 'he might have to shave for that.'

Anderson laughed freely, he was obviously familiar with the eccentricities of the pilot and James felt like he was among family. It was strange because his family had never felt like this. Anderson brought up his omnitool and talk became serious as they asked Shepard for advice. He was lost in his own thoughts when he felt eyes upon him.

'I'm assuming the LT is cleared for everything,' she was looking up at him, her brown eyes meeting his as if she was assessing his soul.

'James has full clearance,' Anderson nodded. 'He needs to be kept in the loop and I thought you might find it useful to have someone to speak to during your R&R.'

Shepard scoffed and James couldn't help but smile as she shook her head, 'is that what we're calling it?'

'Better than saying incarceration,' Anderson shrugged.

Shepard just sighed and went back to studying the information on her omnitool, as if it was an everyday thing for her to be heading to prison. It came as a surprise to James to discover that he was glad to be here, that he was going to be the one taking care of Shepard. Maybe his hero worship wasn't buried as deep as he thought it was. He felt other eyes on him and glanced at Anderson who was watching him. As if he could see James' acceptance and understanding of the situation he nodded and a smile played at the corner of his mouth. James had an uncomfortable feeling he'd been set up, strangely enough he was happy about it.

'SSV Orizaba, Admiral Hackett's shuttle returning, requesting security dock in bay A1.'

James glanced through the viewport in the cockpit to see the hulk of the dreadnaught blocking everything else from view.

'Roger that,' there was a pause on the other end, 'approach when ready.'

There was a soft thud as the shuttle touched down in the bay and James straightened, ready to disembark. The two admirals stood and Shepard slowly got to her feet.

'Lieutenant,' Hackett grabbed his attention. 'You will take Commander Shepard to a specially prepared room on this deck. No-one is to know she is on board.' Hackett sent the details to James' omnitool. 'We will be at Earth in twelve hours.'

'Yes, sir,' James looked at his tool and nodded.

Shepard moved up beside him as they exited the shuttle and the warmth that suddenly brushed his side startled him. He looked at her in surprise before focussing on his job. There was no-one around and James assumed the admirals were trying to keep Shepard protected. They reached the prepared room with no interference and James stared in amazement. There was a lounge, a small kitchen and dining area, a bedroom and a small bathroom. There was food and drink so they wouldn't have to leave the room.

'This is nice,' Shepard chuckled as she dropped onto the lounge and looked up at James. 'Guess we'd better get comfortable.'

James wasn't sure how to react. Her casual attitude was unexpected and she laughed at the open-mouthed stare on his face.

'Relax, LT,' she grinned at him. 'We're going to be spending a lot of time together so you'd better get used to it.'

James sighed and sat stiffly in a chair. He was finally alone with someone he considered his hero and he felt like a teenager meeting a girl for the first time. He could feel the flush in his cheeks as Shepard stared at him and he wondered if he'd ever get used to being around her. Right now he didn't think so. He groaned inwardly, this was going to be a long twelve hours.


	4. Chapter 4

**** 4 ****

'So, Lieutenant, how did you end up with guard detail?'

James jumped, dragged his gaze from his boots and looked at Shepard. She'd kicked off her boots and stretched out on the lounge, one hand behind her head the other covering her eyes as if to block out the light. It had been quiet since they entered the room twenty minutes earlier, he'd assumed she was asleep.

James had been unsure about what to do so he'd stayed in the chair, locked in his own confused mind and his eyes empty as he stared at the closest thing that didn't need thinking about. That happened to be his boots. He blinked, his dry eyes burned and he realised he must have been staring for a while.

How did he answer the question that came out of the blue? Should he tell her that he'd been drinking himself into a stupor, feeling sorry for himself but blaming her for it? He guessed he'd hesitated too long when she raised her arm and turned her head to look at him.

'Just lucky, I guess.' He shrugged and her eyes narrowed.

_Pendejo! Nice way to start building trust and make her believe you're a capable soldier. _He watched as she sat up and tried not to stare at the bright blue tank top visible through her open jacket. The jacket was similar to Alliance dress style but the colours were wrong, black and grey instead of blue. He guessed they were Cerberus colours and although there was no insignia visible there were a couple of spots where it had obviously been removed. She'd unclipped it when she lay down and it had fallen open to reveal cleavage and a well-toned abdomen. The bright blue colour had caught his eyes and he had to force himself to concentrate on other things. Those other things turned out to be his own thoughts and before he knew it he was lost in them.

'Okay,' she leant on her knees and clasped her hands in front of her.

Her eyes raked over him and James stopped himself from flexing, it was something he'd always done when a beautiful woman looked him over. He wasn't uncomfortable under her scrutiny but this wasn't like any other woman. If he wanted her to believe he was more than just a hunk of muscle he had to prove it to her. So he sat quietly as she looked him over and her eyes eventually came to rest on his face.

'Let me guess,' she sighed, sat back against the lounge and he swallowed quickly as the cleavage he'd only glimpsed was suddenly thrust forward because of how she sat. 'Mission gone wrong so you were drowning your sorrows, probably for too long. Anderson found you, told you to get over yourself and decide if you still wanted to be a marine then gave you this job when you said yes.'

She laughed as his mouth opened and closed like a fish gasping for air and he stared at her wide-eyed. _How the fuck could she know that?_ He managed to control his flapping lips and he watched as she folded her arms across her chest, shoving her breasts higher and making them more obvious. Did she have any idea of what she was doing? From the amused stare on her face he was guessing she did. _Was she toying with him?_

At any other time, with any other woman James would have already thrown out a few flirty lines, flexed his shoulders or chest and probably raised his arms to enhance the shape of his biceps. He was proud of his body, he'd worked hard, physically and emotionally, to get it the way he liked it and he wouldn't waste an opportunity to take advantage of it. He never expected to be stunned into silence and thrown so far out of his depth by any woman. But she wasn't just any woman, the idea of her toying with him astounded him and he wasn't sure how to deal with it.

'I'd say it was very recent and he probably saved you from a beating that might have killed you.' She motioned to the butterfly clip and waved her hands as if to indicate the bruises that were very obvious now.

'How …?' He was floundering and words didn't want to come.

'Oh I know,' she chuckled and shook her head, pulling her jacket across her chest with a smirk as he met her eyes. 'It's exactly what he did to me after Elysium.' There was still sadness there and James wondered if that's how he'd feel a few years from now, if the pain of his failure would fade to a bearable regret. 'In my case though he sent me off to N school. Probably the best thing for me at the time.'

James wanted to ask how she dealt with the grief and the guilt, how she lived knowing how many lives she hadn't saved. He just couldn't bring himself to do it. She seemed to handle it just fine, it was as if she didn't care, as if it didn't bother her. Was that the case? Was he seeing the true Shepard, the cold, calculating N7 everyone seemed to think she was. Did she put on an emotional display for everyone else's benefit? He stayed silent.

'Don't worry, LT,' she sighed and stood up, 'I'll try not to bother you too much. I'm going to get some sleep while I can.' She looked at him for a few seconds before walking away into the bedroom.

James sat forward and buried his face in his hands, letting out a soft groan. This was a great start to the task ahead. By now she was probably thinking he was a dumb marine, just a typical hunk of muscle, unable to have a decent conversation. What was wrong with him? Maybe he wasn't ready for this, he wondered again if he should tell Anderson he should find someone else.

The door whooshed open and James jumped to his feet, instinctively reaching for the pistol that should have been on his hip. Realising he was unarmed he braced his feet and brought his arms up, brute force it would have to be.

'James?' Anderson stood in the doorway, a puzzled frown on his face.

'Sorry, sir,' James said sheepishly and relaxed, wondering if he'd ever get his head on straight and stop feeling like a fool.

'You were expecting someone else?' Anderson walked into the room shaking his head before looking around. 'Where's Shepard?'

'Resting, sir,' James nodded his head towards the bedroom.

'Good, she needs it.' He placed a bundle on the table, 'I thought she might appreciate some BDUs.' Anderson turned towards him and held out a pistol, 'I knew you were unarmed and this is better than nothing.'

'Thank you, sir,' James strapped the pistol to his hip, the weight familiar and reassuring.

'You can relax Vega, it's just us. How is she?' Anderson glanced at the closed door before bringing his gaze back to James.

'I really wouldn't know,' James shrugged, 'I have nothing to judge what's normal on.'

'I guess you don't,' Anderson sighed and sat down on the lounge indicating that James should sit too. 'All I can tell you is that she doesn't show when she's hurting, she puts on a brave front to be the Commander everyone expects her to be. It takes a lot for her to let her guard down, especially around someone new. Don't take it personally if shuts you out.'

'Can I ask you something,' James frowned and waited for Anderson's nod. 'How long have you known the Commander?'

'Since Mindoir,' he sat back and James watched emotions cross his face. 'I found her huddled inside a small shed on her family's farm. She'd taken out four batarians and shot one of my marines.' He chuckled, 'she threatened to take my head off if I put it through the door. Took me an hour to convince her we were there to help.' He sat forward, 'her family was killed. She came straight out and asked me if I could take her away, find her somewhere else to live because she didn't want to walk through her parent's blood every day of her life. Steven … Admiral Hackett organised for her to live with his sister. When she was old enough she joined the Alliance and you know the rest.'

James listened quietly and wondered if he would have been strong enough to handle a situation like that at sixteen. His life hadn't been easy, especially when his father became dependant on red sand after his mother died, but to live through seeing your whole family killed, that would definitely be nightmare material. How did a person live with that? It brought his thoughts back to something that had been bothering him.

'Why me?' He looked across at Anderson. 'Why did you want me for this job?'

'Because Shepard needs someone strong enough to stand by her side, someone who will do the right thing no matter the outcome.' James flinched and dropped his head and Anderson sighed. 'You remind me of her.'

'What!?' James' head shot up in surprise. Being compared to Commander Shepard was the last thing he ever expected.

'You think like her, you get the job done no matter what, you care about your men, you feel it every time something goes wrong and you hide it away, keep it inside so no-one can use it to hurt you.' Anderson stood up to leave, 'I trust you to take care of her James, she's going to need you.'

James wasn't sure how to respond but he knew he couldn't let Anderson down, 'I'll do my best, sir.' He snapped to attention and saluted.

'I have no doubt,' Anderson returned the salute then chuckled. 'I think you should use this time to read her files.'

'Yes, sir,' the corner of James' mouth lifted as he fought off the grin that threatened.

Anderson was still chuckling as the door closed behind him. James shook his head and allowed a laugh to escape as he made himself comfortable on the lounge and opened up his omnitool. He looked down the list of files and stopped at one called The Lazarus Files. It seemed like as good a place as any to start.

* * *

James knew he needed to eat something. His stomach was still turning itself inside out, wanting nothing more than to empty its contents, again. He didn't think of himself as someone who was easily affected by graphic images but the Lazarus Files destroyed that idea. A lump stuck in his throat as he thought about the videos and pictures that had been Shepard, if that hunk of burned meat and bone could be considered anything close to human. She had died. Until now he hadn't truly believed it. But the proof was right there, step by painful step her resurrection was recorded.

It was a medical miracle of gigantic proportions. But how did anyone live with knowing they'd died. What was it like to come back after so long? Was there anything after … was there an afterlife? He'd always liked to think so, hoped that his mother had gone to a better place, a better life. He wasn't religious in any way but the idea that she was just gone felt wrong, she deserved more. He wondered if he would ever be able to ask Shepard. Would she, could she talk about it? Would her insight help him deal with the deaths of those he'd condemned?

His thoughts in turmoil he'd moved on to other files, deciding to read the reports from the SR-1 to give him some idea of what Shepard was like before her death. He'd gone backwards from there, reading about Elysium and how it affected her. Anderson had attached a notation to her file and James found it interesting and a little comforting to find that he had dragged her out of a bar and forced her to look at her life. So they did have something in common. He found it difficult to associate the formidable N7 hero with the lost, grief and guilt filled lieutenant Shepard had been. It gave him hope that maybe he could get past it too.

His stomach growled and he realised he'd been reading for a few hours. He closed down his omnitool, scrubbed his face to wipe away the tiredness before getting to his feet. He glanced at the bedroom door, should he make sure she was okay. Deciding against it he moved to the kitchen and set the coffee machine to work. He smiled as he checked their supplies and gathered the ingredients he needed. He was engrossed in his cooking and jumped when a voice sounded behind him.

'Something smells good,' Shepard leaned over his shoulder and once again her warmth surprised him.

Some bodyguard he was turning out to be, so far he'd been surprised several times and was unusually jumpy.

'It's just eggs,' James shrugged and watched as she pulled out two coffee cups. He added extra to the pan.

'I'm guessing milk, no sugar,' she glanced at him and he nodded, amazed at her skill for reading people, either that or she was just lucky.

James dished up two servings and followed her to the table. There was an awkward silence as they sat down and James toyed with his food feeling like a complete idiot because he didn't know what to say, how to start a conversation with her.

'These are really good,' she mumbled around a mouthful of food and James couldn't stop the grin that broke out. The image of Commander Shepard stuffing her face with his eggs was not something he would forget in a hurry.

'Commander, I'm sorry,' James dropped his fork onto his plate and she looked at him in confusion. 'About earlier, not talking when you asked me questions.'

'It's okay,' she shrugged and went back to her food.

'No, it's not,' he shook his head and she narrowed her eyes at him. 'My mother raised me to be a gentleman and that was just rude. It's just … I … Damn!' He ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

'I get it,' she sipped her coffee and smirked at him. 'I get it all the time, people don't know how to talk to me. Some kind of hero worship.' She sighed and he could sense her disappointment. 'I'm just a soldier, like you. I'm no-one special.'

'I'm sorry, ma'am, but you're more than just a soldier.' He stared at her in disbelief. 'The things you've done, the places you've been, the people you've saved.' He shook his head again, 'Yeah, you're a hero and you deserve respect … ma'am.'

'I'm only doing my job,' it was her turn to shake her head, 'unfortunately my job just happens to put me in the right place at the right time,' she grimaced, 'or the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm sure you'd do the same.' She pointed at his plate, 'you might want to eat those while they're still warm.'

'Aye, aye, ma'am.' He grinned when she rolled her eyes at him.

'Enough with the ma'am! I'm not technically in the Alliance right now and you're making me feel old! Shepard is fine, although seeing as how we're going to be spending a lot of time together you could call me Andora, or Andy for short.'

'Yes ma'am,' James replied instinctively then chuckled when she groaned at him. 'Sorry, old habits.' He shrugged and she grimaced at him. 'Guess that means you'll be calling me James then.'

'That is your name, isn't it?'

'Yes ma … Comman …. Shepard.' James stuttered over his options, definitely not comfortable with the informality, but that didn't mean he couldn't get used to it.

'Okay, what do you want to know?' She chuckled when he looked at her in confusion. 'I'm sure Anderson gave you my files, all of them, so I'm also sure you have questions. I'll tell you what I can because you need to know, you need to be ready for threats and enemies. You can't do that if you're kept in the dark.'

James almost gaped but managed to control it at the last minute. His world had once again become a surreal place where he was sharing conversation and information with Commander Shepard. There was still a detachment in her manner but that image of the cold, heartless monster was being pushed further and further away. He picked up his fork and wondered which questions he should start with, he certainly had a lot of them.

As he swallowed his food he realised that he was going to have plenty of time to ask them because he was pretty sure that Shepard's trial wasn't going to be over quickly. The brass wanted her out of the way and kept quiet. He had a sudden fear that they would incarcerate her somewhere and she would disappear, she wouldn't be there when they needed her, when the Reapers came. And he was sure they would. If there was one thing he'd discovered, Shepard wasn't lying about that and he'd be standing right beside Hackett and Anderson when it came to protecting her.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Sorry about the delay, school holidays, two long weekends and a couple of birthdays will throw any schedule out of whack. Anyway, enjoy (I hope )

* * *

**** 5 ****

They had been talking for a couple of hours, he'd learned a lot in that time about how she looked at missions, what she expected from her team. He picked up enough to know that working on the SR-2 hadn't been easy for her while it was under a Cerberus banner but she'd done it because it was the only way to protect those in danger. She'd done what needed to be done.

James had avoided asking those questions he really wanted to ask, he would have time for those later. Right now, he was happy to listen to Shepard as she told him stories about their chase for Saren and then the collectors. It was giving him insight into the officer who had always seemed larger than life. It made him realise that she was just doing her job with whatever resources she had available at the time. She didn't hesitate, she didn't second-guess herself and it was something he needed to learn. At least that's how it appeared on the surface.

She was happy to tell him about the things she'd done, the places she'd been and the people she'd worked with but he sensed that she was holding things back. There were things she didn't want to talk about, painful things. She faltered ever so slightly over Eden Prime, Virmire and then again on the collector base but he'd noticed it and he knew she'd lost people on those missions. He got the impression that she was able to push back the guilt and grief, he wondered if she ever allowed herself to release it. Did she feel it, had she actually dealt with it or did she just ignore it. If it were the latter at some point it would overwhelm her, possibly break her. _Hey pot, meet kettle._ He pushed down the self-recrimination.

He felt like he was getting to know her by listening, seeing the changing emotions on her face as she talked about her crew and what they'd done. The pride and joy that was so obvious at times enhanced her beauty and he found himself drawn to her warmth. He couldn't believe how natural It felt and he was loathe to break the relaxed mood but there were things he needed to know to do the job Anderson had given him. If there was one thing James was proud of it was his commitment to the task, he always did his best. Hopefully this time his best would be good enough.

'So, Com … Shepard, whose shit list are you at the top of?' James couldn't hide the grin as she raised her eyebrows at him. If she wanted to be casual he had no problem with that. 'So I know who to watch out for, just doing my job here.'

'Uh huh,' she chuckled and sat back in the chair. 'Let's see, I've pissed off a lot of people who would like to get their own back.'

'No doubt.' He shrugged innocently at her glare.

'I'm probably on the top of the batarian's hit list,' she seemed thoughtful for a moment then grinned, 'although they'd have to stand in line with Cerberus. The Illusive asshole didn't like me not hanging around, running off with his best ship and taking some of his best operatives with me. I know they have a collection order out on me, he seems to think I belong to him. I suppose spending four billion credits on me would make him a little possessive.'

James let out a soft whistle. He'd seen the files so he knew what they done but that was a lot of credits.

'Expensive stuff, bringing me back from the dead.' She said it so softly James almost missed it but she sucked in a breath and continued. 'There are probably a few mercs out there that want my head as a trophy, pissed off a few when I rescued Archangel on Omega and I've taken out my fair share of their bases and hideouts. Not to mention their supply lines and ships.'

'Is there anyone you haven't pissed off?' James chuckled and she scowled at him.

'There are probably even a few Alliance officers that would like to see me imprisoned for life,' she grimaced. 'Then of course there are the Reapers, last time I spoke to Harbinger he wasn't happy with me.'

'How does that even work?' He frowned and she shrugged. 'I thought they were just huge machines out to kill us all. Why would one of them want to speak to you?'

'Wanted to scare me I think, didn't work.' She sat forward and leant on the table, 'I'll admit that the Reapers terrify me. We're not ready, not by a long shot but I wasn't going to let Harby know that.'

'You even have a nickname for it,' James stared at her wide eyed.

'It's just another enemy that needs to be taken down,' she shrugged and spoke so calmly that James was a little startled. 'All we have to do is figure out how.'

She sounded so confident and made it seem so easy but James couldn't fight the feeling that it was fear that drove her. It reminded him of something his mother had always told him that fear could either cripple us or make us stronger. He'd always fought fear with courage and determination, even as a boy faced with violence he'd forced down the urge to run and fought with every ounce of his being. He'd received his share of broken bones fighting down that fear.

Was that what Shepard did? Yes, she'd been in situations that others might have found difficult, even impossible to deal with. She certainly had experience when it came to taking down a Reaper, but that didn't mean she wasn't scared of what was coming, she'd admitted to it only seconds earlier. She put on a strong, courageous front, fought down her fear, but this was something she couldn't do alone, as much as she tried to convince everyone otherwise. Was this what Anderson meant by shutting people out?

He couldn't help comparing his own methods with hers. He didn't like putting others at risk, he was willing to stand on the front line and risk himself, protect others first. He would go it alone if it meant someone else would survive. Did he shut people out so they didn't get hurt? Was he just like Shepard?

'So, shit list,' she dragged his thoughts back to the task at hand.

'We're going to be at Alliance HQ so it's not going to be easy for anyone to get at you that aren't Alliance. That means sympathisers, sleeper agents or moles.' James was thankful for something to concentrate on rather than having to work out the inner machinations of Commander Shepard or having to look at himself candidly.

'Oh, I don't know, Cerberus can be very brazen at times.' She raised an eyebrow at him. 'A frontal assault isn't beyond them.'

'Yeah, okay, so we have to watch for shuttles at the windows or a squad approaching that shouldn't be.' James started a mental list as he put his ideas forward, 'batarians are more likely to use bombs, poisons or less obvious ways to get you, comes back to sympathisers so any single person could be suspect, same with mercs. Anyone of these is just as likely to hire an assassin so snipers, knives or close quarter weapons possibly in a crowded place.'

James' eyes dropped to the table as he silently worked through the list, working out ideas to combat the various scenarios that played out in his mind. He was suddenly aware of eyes on him and he glanced up to see Shepard staring at him with what appeared to be respect.

'Something wrong, Commander?'

'No,' she groaned and rolled her eyes at him and he chuckled softly.

'Sorry … Shepard.'

'I'm impressed at your knowledge, seems like you've had some experience.' She tilted her head and met his eyes, 'you're taking this very seriously.'

'I've had my fair share of run ins with the lowlifes of the galaxy.' He frowned and continued. 'I take my job very seriously and Anderson trusts me to keep you safe. I plan on doing just that.'

James was surprised at himself. He was taking this seriously, he wanted to keep her safe. He wondered when it had gone from being ordered to keep her safe to wanting to. When had he gone from seeing her as the woman he wanted to hate to the woman he wanted to protect. He couldn't pinpoint the exact moment but he realised it didn't matter.

'Any ideas on how we can prepare for any of this?' James sat back and looked at her.

'I'm your prisoner, James, you're asking me?'

The sound of his name on her lips sent a pleasant shiver down his spine so it took him a moment to realise she was staring at him. He cleared his throat before continuing.

'I'm not stupid Shepard. You've got experience and knowledge I can't hope to match so yeah, I'm going to use that.' He paused then added with a grin, 'if it's necessary I'll even hand you a gun, as long as you promise to hand it back.'

She laughed at that and James was amazed at how beautiful it sounded. 'I think you and I are going to get along fine.'

'I hope so,' he chuckled, 'we're going to be spending a lot of time together, close together.' His voice dropped an octave and Shepard grinned at him.

'Ah, so the real Vega is breaking out, I thought you'd been hiding him away,' she leaned forward which pushed her jacket open and his eyes immediately dropped to the cleavage exposed underneath. 'I'd hate for either of us to feel uncomfortable, so relax, be yourself,' she dropped her voice and spoke softly and James found himself floundering. She laughed again as she sat back and James sighed in relief. 'Thanks James.'

'For?' He frowned in confusion.

'Not treating me like I have no say in this, for trusting me and not treating me like dirt under your boot. For treating me like a normal person.' She stood up and gave him no chance to respond as she walked over and picked up the clothes Anderson had left.

'So, Shepard, are there any romantic entanglements then, any irate boyfriends I should know about who will come storming in here and want time alone with you. Who will get jealous because you're spending all your time with me?' He'd meant it to be light-hearted but her face clouded over and he instantly regretted causing that.

'No,' she shook her head before staring wistfully at the table. 'Tried that once, didn't work. He let me down rather painfully when I needed him the most.' She straightened and turned towards the bathroom. 'I'm going to shower and change.'

'Let me know if I can help you with that,' he grinned at her and she rolled her eyes at him.

Comfortable. That was how he felt as he watched the door close behind her. It was a strange idea and it puzzled him a little. He'd never expected it, never expected her. But it was something else he could definitely get used to.

* * *

An insistent beeping forced James' eyes open. He'd settled back on the lounge while Shepard took a shower and opened up more of her files. At some time his exhaustion had got the better of him. He sat up with a groan as stiff joints and muscles let him know he'd slept in an uncomfortable position. The beeping of his omnitool must have been what woke him.

'That's probably Anderson,' he looked up at Shepard who was pouring coffee. She was back in Alliance blue and it definitely suited her. 'You've been asleep for a while.'

James read the message as he got to his feet. 'We'll be at Earth in an hour,' he closed his tool down and stretched.

'Sorry, Shepard,' he rolled his neck, sighing as it cracked loudly, and took the coffee she offered. 'Some prison guard I am, you could have escaped or been hurt.'

'You have to sleep, James, now is probably a good time for it. I don't think I'm in danger on Hackett's ship and if I wanted to escape I would never have surrendered.'

He gave a sheepish grin, 'guess so. Thanks.' He indicated the coffee and she nodded.

'You might want to take advantage of the shower while you have the chance too.'

'Is that a polite way of telling me I stink.'

'No … I …,' she stuttered, a look of horror on her face.

'It's okay,' he laughed and shook his head. 'I know what you meant and you're right.' He grabbed his bag and headed for the bathroom, hearing her chuckle behind him.

'Let me know if I can help with that.'

He turned in surprise and the heat in his face told him he was blushing. He hurriedly closed the door and dropped his bag on the floor. He leant on the sink and shook his head. _What the fuck!_ He'd not intended to like this woman and yet here he was blushing like a teenager talking to a girl for the first time. He undressed without thinking about it and it wasn't until he was under the shower that his mind wandered to other places.

He was naked in the shower with a beautiful woman in the next room, a woman he'd often fantasised about before … well some time ago, a woman who filled out her uniform just perfectly. It seemed his body hadn't forgotten though and he groaned softly as parts of him responded to the idea of her being so close, of her offer to help him with his shower. _Not now idiot!_ He turned the hot water down and shivered as cold hit him. It made him concentrate on getting clean and getting out. He was thankful when he was dressed again and his thoughts returned to more serious things.

It was going to be a problem, he could see that. While his mind might be fighting the urge to get to know Shepard his body and soul were telling him that this was exactly what he wanted. He'd always hoped for this opportunity. It was going to be a battle that could possibly drive him insane, wanting to get closer while needing to keep her at arm's length. He stepped out of the bathroom to find Anderson talking to Shepard.

'James,' Anderson nodded as he moved beside Shepard. 'It's time so this is what's going to happen.'

James focussed on what Anderson was telling him, there would be plenty of time for other thoughts later. He was certainly going to have plenty of time for his mind to wander once they reached Earth where they would be locked away together. He ignored the image that popped into his head, clenched his jaw and listened intently to what Anderson was saying. Shepard's life depended on him being in control, that thought drove all others away and James became the soldier and protector that Anderson expected him to be.


	6. Chapter 6

**** 6 ****

Hackett stormed into their room on the Orizaba. James had never seen anyone so angry and he was a little concerned that his anger would be aimed at them. Anderson was just as surprised as James and stepped back in concern when Hackett marched towards him.

'Admiral,' Anderson frowned at the fuming man before him.

'We've been compromised.'

Anderson gaped at him and that worried James more than anything else did at that point. The two men had been so careful about who they brought in on their plans that to have someone they trusted give them away was a painful, personal blow. James knew that Hackett would take it extremely hard, he had hand-picked everyone who was involved with getting Shepard safely to Earth. To have that trust broken was unthinkable.

'How?' Anderson started pacing and James could see his mind working as he tried to figure it out.

'I don't know,' Hackett's fists were clenched at his sides and he was fighting to control his anger. 'But I damn well intend to find out.' His eyes burned a hole in the floor before he looked up at them. 'When I do there will be hell to pay. There are reporters waiting for Shepard to arrive, I received word minutes ago that they knew exactly when and where.'

God help anyone on the other end of Hackett's anger James thought as the Admiral clenched his jaw and brought up his omnitool. Hackett had already worked out a new plan and he quickly brought them up to speed. James was impressed with the professionalism the admiral showed under pressure and could understand why so many marines admired the man. But Hackett had a more personal stake in this and his need to protect someone he saw as family would make this betrayal even harder to deal with. James glanced at Shepard who had paled but she seemed more concerned for Hackett than for her safety.

James was nervous. This was the most important mission of his military career and it had already gone off the rails. He fought down the butterflies in his stomach and concentrated on the plan for their arrival at Earth. They were hurriedly on the move and Hackett gave the all clear as they boarded the shuttle that would put them on the ground and in harm's way.

Five shuttles left the Orizaba together, flew an intricate pattern before converging on one spot so they appeared as a single dot on any radar that might be looking for them. Then as one they sped out in different directions, each with a different destination on Earth. Theirs was the docking bay that would soon hold the Normandy but right now it was empty, locked down under Hackett's orders with restricted access to a limited few. James wondered if that would hold up now. His concerns became real as they approached.

'Sir,' the pilot called to Hackett, 'there are people on the dock.'

'What the fuck!' Hackett cursed, James looked up in surprise as Hackett went forward to look and he heard Shepard chuckle.

Anderson stood and released his pistol as the shuttle descended. He moved to stand in front of the door, putting himself between Shepard and any threat outside. Following his lead James loosened his pistol and stepped up beside the admiral who nodded in approval. A sudden warmth at his back told James that Shepard was right behind him. She was small enough that his bulk would hide her and he took some comfort in that. There was a soft thud as the shuttle landed and the door slid open.

A lieutenant stepped forward, his uniform neatly creased, buttons shining and boots polished, James guessed he hadn't been in the Alliance for long. His head was down as he read from a datapad. Behind him two marines stood with handcuffs and chains and James saw red. Beside him Anderson growled and the anger rolled off him in waves. Shepard might be going to trial but putting her in chains was absolutely unacceptable. She had surrendered and the Defence Council had agreed to Hackett's plan. What had changed?

A warm hand in the small of his back made James acutely aware of Shepard's presence, she hadn't expected this either. If someone else took control of her now she could be lost to them, hidden away god knows where. Her fear was valid, there were some Alliance officers who would be more than happy to interrogate her in a sealed room somewhere.

'Andora Shepard, you are to be taken into custody for crimes against humanity, working with a known terrorist organisation, for the destruction of the Bahak system and the murder of over three hundred thousand batarians. You are to be held in isolation until all charges have been judged and sentence carried out. Legal counsel will be provided if required and until counsel is provided anything you say can be used as evidence. Do you understand the terms of your arrest?'

The lieutenant finally looked up. His face paled and his eyes widened in shock as he realised who was standing before him. He gaped and stuttered and at any other time James would have found it funny. The marines behind him had already snapped to attention and were holding a salute. The lieutenant almost stumbled in his haste to step back.

'Who the hell are you?' Anderson's voice boomed around the empty dock.

'Lieutenant Wilson Davies, sir,' he stuttered and almost dropped the datapad his hands were shaking so badly. 'Alliance Intelligence, sir.'

'Does Alliance Intelligence have new protocols I haven't been informed about or are you always so ignorant around superior officers?' Anderson was in full command mode, James could feel his confidence and power like it was a physical entity swirling around them.

'No…sir,' Davies lifted his hand to salute and the datapad slipped out of his fingers.

He was caught between saving the datapad or saluting, unfortunately he tried to do both at the same time. The datapad was pushed from his hands and flew through the air impacting against Anderson's leg as it cluttered to the floor of the shuttle.

'Sorry, sir,' Davies went to retrieve it while still trying to salute.

'Stop!' Anderson bellowed and Davies flinched. 'One or the other Davies, which is it?'

'Sorry, sir,' he decided on the salute which was definitely not well practised.

James was finding it hard not to laugh and the marines were biting their lips as they stood unmoving behind Davies. He heard a soft snort behind him and he almost broke as he realised that Shepard was using him to hide her face so she didn't have to fight the laughter. Movement behind him and a hand on his shoulder gently urged him sideways. Both he and Anderson moved at the same time as Hackett stepped between them. Davies looked like he was about to throw up, either that or piss himself. The marines lost all humour and stiffened their stance and salute.

'Who the hell sent you down here?' Hackett's voice echoed around the dock even more than Andersons did.

'Ahh, Major Newman, sir,' the tremor in his voice was unmistakable and James guessed that he'd been sent so the major wouldn't have to face the Admirals.

'Lieutenant,' Hackett stepped off the shuttle and into Davies' face. 'You go and tell Major Newman that I will be paying him a visit. I will want to know how he found out about this as it was strictly need to know and he did not need to know. I will be conducting a full investigation into how this information was leaked so he had better decide how much he values his career. And how the hell did you get in here, the security code was known to only a few people, tell him I'll want to know that too.'

'Yes, sir,' Davies went to move away.

'I haven't finished yet,' Hackett towered over the quivering man. 'You can also tell him that if he tries to go around me, lay the blame somewhere else or squirm his way out of seeing me I will bust his ass back to private and he will spend the rest of his military career cleaning latrines. Is that clear?'

'Sir, yes, sir,' Davies gave a weak salute and waited for the Admiral to dismiss him.

'You two,' Hackett looked up at the marines still standing at attention, 'go with him and make sure my message is delivered. Dismissed.'

'Yes, sir,' the two spoke together and James could see the relief on their faces as they turned to leave.

'Well that was fun,' Anderson scoffed when they were out of hearing distance. 'I think we've got a headache coming though.'

'A damn migraine probably,' Hackett sighed before pulling himself erect and squaring his shoulders. 'Let's get Shepard to safety then we can worry about the fall out.'

James wasn't surprised to see an armoured vehicle waiting for them outside as well as two marines who were obviously Special Forces. From the personalised armour and highly modded weapons he knew these two were experienced. The way they snapped to attention as Hackett approached left no doubt that he was their commanding officer and they had nothing but respect for him.

Memories of Fehl Prime intruded into his thoughts. Delta team were Special Forces, they'd cut their teeth on krogan and collectors. It certainly hadn't been the first mission for James but it was the one that gave him the greatest joy and the deepest pain. He'd had a great team and he missed them, they'd looked up to him for orders when he'd had to take command and he'd failed them. He'd hoped to continue with his training, work up the spec ops ranks, maybe even to N7. Not much chance of that now.

'Sir,' one of the marines spoke as they approached.

'Lieutenant,' Hackett returned their salute, 'is everything in order?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Good. You will escort Admiral Anderson, Commander Shepard and Lieutenant Vega to their destination and make sure they are secure.' Hackett turned to Vega, 'Lieutenants Bruckner and Reigler will be your back up, they will be around even though you might not see them.'

'Roger that, sir,' Vega nodded at the two marines who nodded back.

'You can depend on the Lieutenants to have your back and for those times when you need a break you can call on one of these men to relieve you.' He leant in and spoke a little softer, 'these are two of my best Vega, use them wisely.'

'Understood, sir.'

'Vega has this mission,' Hackett turned to the marines, 'you will follow his orders and offer advice if he asks for it is that understood.'

'Completely, sir.' They replied in unison.

Hackett turned and took Anderson's hand, shaking it firmly, 'Watch over our girl, David.'

'With my life if I have to,' Anderson nodded.

James glanced at Shepard who stood rigidly beside him. Her face was expressionless and he understood now that it was just a front, something she put up to protect herself. It was invisible armour to ward off emotion and pain. But he saw it flicker as Hackett took her hand in his.

'You're in good hands Shepard, let them take care of you.'

'Yes, sir,' she spoke confidently but James didn't miss the uncertainty that passed over her eyes.

Shepard moved to enter the vehicle and the two marines snapped off a salute. She faltered for a moment but quickly recovered. James moved up behind her and placed his hand in the small of her back to steady her. The moment he touched her he felt warmth flood through him and for a moment he was unsteady. He quickly controlled it, pushing the feelings down to deal with later.

'You don't need to salute me,' Shepard reminded the marines, 'I'm not technically in the Alliance.'

'Yes, ma'am,' they responded together and James wondered if they ever did anything separately.

James chuckled as Shepard shook her head, 'not everyone is against you, you know.'

She scowled at him before climbing into the vehicle. As they moved away from the dock Shepard watched through the small window as Hackett receded into the distance. She kept her emotions hidden very well but James knew that her heart would be breaking as she left behind another member of her family. One day he hoped to be a member of that family, all he had to do was prove he was worthy.

Ten minutes later they were standing on the seventh floor of the diplomatic wing of Alliance HQ. James hadn't known their destination, he'd been expecting to go to the detention wing. He looked around in amazement at the space they would be occupying. The floor was divided into three separate sections, each with multiple rooms for diplomats, their staff and security detail. Each section had its own security station and Anderson nodded at the two marines manning the security station for the middle apartments. There was no-one at the security station for the other two sections so James guessed they were empty.

James and Shepard had to provide retinal scans, fingerprints and DNA samples before they were allowed entry. Once the guards were satisfied that they matched those already on file Anderson led them inside. James had never been in the diplomat wing and he was impressed with the set up. The door they passed through appeared at first glance to be wood but the way it swung told James it was much heavier, probably reinforced with bullet proof material. The lock could be sealed from the inside and he noticed the holes in the floor and ceiling and guessed there were solid locking bars ready to fall into place. It was odd to see an old style door but James put it down to aesthetics.

Once inside there was a very large atrium, considering there were two floors above them James assumed there was no way anyone could come in via the roof. The central garden was surrounded by lounges and small tables, there were a couple of screens that reached from floor to ceiling, currently showing a rolling video of various places on Earth. Almost like tourist information.

The more they saw the more James was beginning to like this mission. From the astonishment on Shepard's face she was equally impressed. There was a kitchen, fully stocked, a formal dining area, a games room, a gym, a couple of meeting rooms and a security room. James noticed the cameras and realised that every part of these apartments was under surveillance. Eventually they ended up at Shepard's room, a spacious two room apartment with a full bathroom including a spa.

'Anderson,' Shepard sounded confused and James could understand why. 'This is …'

'The safest place for you right now,' Anderson said with a soft smile. 'Look, we don't know how long you'll be staying here but you need to be secluded. Especially now that we know someone is passing along information.' He scrubbed his face with his hands and James could see the emotion and exhaustion he'd hidden until now. 'The Defence Council hasn't set a date for your hearing so until then you'll be staying out of the way.' He chuckled at the scowl on her face, 'enjoy it while it lasts, Shepard, you've earned a rest.'

The sound of the entry door opening had them spinning. James and Anderson had their hands on their pistols as they pushed Shepard behind them. Anderson sighed in relief as four marines stopped and snapped off a salute.

'Reporting for duty as ordered, sir,' Bruckner stood at attention.

'At ease,' Anderson walked towards them. 'James, you've already met Bruckner and Reigler, Sargent's Stokes and Zahedi are part of your detail as well. Stokes is our tech expert, Zahedi is a biotic and he's also a damn good cook. This is your team now.'

James looked at the four men before him and wondered if he was ready for this, to lead a team again. But it didn't matter, he had no choice and he wasn't about to let his self-doubt show as he stood before them. He'd save that for later when he was alone. The important thing right now was to keep Shepard safe and having a team behind him would make that job easier.

'I'm heading over to HQ to see if I can speed up this farce and get you back out there where you belong,' Anderson pulled Shepard into a hug before shaking James' hand. 'Take care of her James.'

'Yes sir,' he snapped off a salute along with everyone else as Anderson left the room. 'All right,' James turned to his new team. 'Stokes, check out the surveillance room, I want a report on what we can and cannot see. Zahedi, you've got the kitchen, see if there's anything we need. Bruckner and Reigler, perimeter check, find the holes.' James acknowledged their nods and turned to find Shepard grinning at him. 'What?'

'Nothing,' she shook her head as she followed him into her rooms. 'It was just nicely done.'

James scowled at her as he set about checking out her rooms but he couldn't deny her praise pleased him. He wasn't about to take any chances and as he felt Shepard beside him every step of the way he wasn't about to waste a perfect opportunity either. His future may depend on how this mission turns out so he planned to make the most of it.

* * *

A/N: I know, she doesn't have these accommodations in game but I have a plan - not saying if it's an evil one. I always wondered why/how one man could be responsible for Shepard's security, he needed to sleep at some time and he was entitled to time off. Yeah, I know, she was in the detention centre but one man 24/7 for six months - not really feasible so I'm playing with it. Hope you enjoy it anyway.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Some chapters are just a joy to write ;p I regret nothing.

* * *

**** 7 ****

Cold water wasn't helping. James braced his arms on the bathroom sink and dropped his head into his hands. He was frustrated with himself for letting his emotions get the better of him and splashing cold water on his face hadn't helped in the slightest.

'James,' a soft knock at the door made him raise his head and stare at himself in the mirror. 'Are you okay?'

'Yeah, be out in a minute,' he hoped he sounded convincing.

Straightening up he glared at his reflection, his skin was pale and his eyes red. He looked like he'd been on a drinking binge.

'Pendejo! They're going to think you're useless.'

He'd rushed from the table where they'd been discussing what they'd found, making some excuse about needing to use the bathroom. He'd almost run into the bathroom attached to his room. In reality he'd been overwhelmed by memory. Listening to Stokes talk about the tech, Reigler about sniper positions and underground bunkers and then Zahedi making a joke about his biotics had brought back memories of similar discussions with his team on Fehl Prime.

He could hear Nicky and Essex as they argued about which was better, tech or biotics. He remembered Milque giving him lessons on how snipers worked. That damned underground bunker that the Alliance had ordered locked down. It had all rushed back and he'd felt physically ill. He knew he was suffering some form of PTSD but he'd believed he could deal with it. Now he wasn't so sure and it was a hell of a time to find out.

But he had to do this. He had to pull himself together and get through it. Shepard was counting on him and so was Anderson. He wasn't going to let either of them down. He sucked in a breath, rolled his neck and pulled his shoulders up. He could do this. He turned and opened the door.

Shepard was standing on the other side and she looked up at him in concern. He almost faltered at the thought that she cared, or maybe she was just worried that Anderson had left her with someone she couldn't rely on. It was a sobering thought either way.

'Are you okay?' She spoke softly, the concern in her voice genuine and he cursed himself for ever thinking it was anything else.

'Yeah, guess the food from Omega finally caught up with me,' he shrugged and the corner of her mouth lifted slightly. She didn't believe him. 'I'll be fine, Shepard. Thanks for coming to check on me.'

'No problem,' she stepped back and as they approached the bedroom door she placed her hand on his arm and met his eyes. 'If you need to talk, I'm here.'

The warmth in her touch was pleasant, nice, it caused a response he wasn't expecting. James couldn't hide his surprise and she gave him a soft smile, 'Thanks, Shepard, I'll keep that in mind.'

She nodded as they stepped back into the community area where the rest of the team were discussing the pros and cons of biotics and tech. James focussed on the woman at his side as he rejoined the others, her warmth and concern giving him the strength he needed. She hadn't criticised him or condemned him for his hurried departure and he guessed that she understood because of her own experiences.

'Sorry guys, Omega catching up with me I guess.' He realised as he spoke that it had only been days since Anderson found him. It felt like a lifetime.

'Don't you know never to eat the food there,' Reigler laughed at him, 'it just sits in your gut and waits for that moment when you least expect it.'

'Yeah,' James scowled, 'I'm discovering that.' But he wasn't referring to Omega. 'Okay, so, we've got eyes everywhere except for three blind spots. We've got a shuttle pad on the roof and an underground bunker with a tunnel to HQ. Question is, how do we get to either if we're locked in here?'

'Ah,' Reigler was grinning as he stood up and moved towards a wall that seemed to be nothing extraordinary. 'We go through here,' he gave a rapid flourish and touched a spot on the wall.

It surprised everyone when a panel in the wall slid sideways, revealing a small elevator. James was impressed. While this might be a diplomatic suite it was certainly well set up and defendable.

'How the hell did you find that and is it on the blueprints?' James frowned and was relieved to see Reigler shake his head. 'Good to know, you need to show us all how to access it.' James glanced at the garden in the middle of the room. 'What about the garden, is there roof access and if so what are the chances of anyone getting in that way?'

Buckner stood up and before anyone realised drew his pistol and shot the glass. 'Nope, bulletproof, as are the windows.'

'Seriously,' James had flinched as the gunshot echoed around the room, his own hand dropping to his pistol. 'Some warning would be nice next time.'

Buckner just shrugged and grinned. 'Also,' he walked over and looked up through the glass, 'there are motion sensors and gas canisters lining the whole thing. If anyone gets in there they won't be getting out.'

James was beginning to understand why Anderson had put them here. They could hold off a small army with the defences around them. It did make him wonder just what kind of diplomats they had staying here.

'That's not all,' Buckner was still grinning as he sat down. 'That closet by the door,' he motioned with his head and all eyes looked at the innocuous double doors. 'It's an armoury, fully stocked.'

Shepard let out a low whistle and all eyes fell on her. 'What, I'm impressed, by the place and by you discovering it all.'

'Okay,' James moved them past a moment of silence as they relished in her praise. 'What can we do about the blind spots?'

'Not sure,' Stokes was frowning, 'I might be able to rig a couple of cameras inside.'

'See what you can do,' James nodded and was about to continue when Shepard stretched and yawned.

'Sorry,' she grinned sheepishly. 'I don't want to sound commanding or anything, but I think James and I need to go to bed.' She gasped as she realised what she'd said. 'Not together!' She got to her feet hurriedly. 'We've been on our feet for a few days so we need to rest.'

'Yes, ma'am,' Reigler chuckled.

'Can it marine,' James scowled at him and Reigler straightened his shoulders.

James couldn't blame him though and the grins on the faces of everyone else only made it worse. He couldn't help it, he chuckled. It was a simple thing but it started an avalanche of snorts and laughs as they tried to control themselves. Even Shepard was finding it hard to keep her laugh hidden behind her hand. Eventually she gave up and for a moment the tension was gone as they enjoyed a laugh at her expense. It was what they needed and James wondered if she hadn't slipped, if she had done it deliberately. As he met her eyes and saw a glint of mischief he realised that this woman was something very special. She knew what they needed and gave it to them.

'Right, now that I've pulled my foot out of my mouth, I'm off to bed for a few hours.' She nodded at them all then turned and left the room.

'Damn, she's something,' Buckner was still grinning and James felt a tightening in his guts as he looked at Buckner who was watching Shepard walk away.

'Yeah,' James was suddenly defensive, 'she's someone who deserves your respect.'

'Oh, don't worry, I respect her,' Buckner chuckled. 'I'm just saying that she's something.'

James felt his anger rising and realised he needed to control himself. The thought of this man ogling Shepard and thinking what were probably unclean thoughts about Shepard touched a nerve. He was a hypocrite he realised, it was exactly what he'd done for years. He suddenly felt guilty and a little dirty.

Leaving them with orders to see what they could do about the blind spots and prepare exit strategies just in case James headed to his room. He was tired. His mind was getting bogged down with emotion and disturbing thoughts about Shepard. Maybe sleep would clear it.

* * *

Something was bugging him. He could hear a soft rumble and there was a vibration through the floor. He got up from his desk, leaving his incomplete report and left his room. The lights were out except for soft lighting around the garden, it was enough that he didn't have to stumble around in the dark. The sound was softer out here so it had to be somewhere on the other side of his room.

Only Shepard's room was in that direction. Not thinking about it he opened the door to Shepard's bedroom, here too the lights were out. He glanced at the bed, which was empty and noticed a light in the bathroom. That was when he heard the moan.

He discovered he'd forgotten his pistol as he rushed forward and opened the door. He was stunned into silence. The sound and vibration was the spa bath. Shepard's eyes were closed as she lay in the tub, bubbles surrounded her, just covering the top of her breasts. Her skin was shining where it was wet, her hair clung to her neck and her moist, luscious lips were parted in pleasure.

James knew he should leave, back out as if he was never here before she realised he was. But he was mesmerised by the absolute beauty of the woman before him. His trousers tightened and as she moaned again his throat tightened and he found it hard to swallow. He knew what she was doing and he almost groaned aloud as his erection became painful. He needed to leave but his feet wouldn't move. He closed his eyes, willing his body to move. He opened them to find Shepard looking at him, her eyes dark with lust and he couldn't breathe.

'James,' she whispered, her voice soft and sultry and James did groan. 'James,' she lifted her hand from the water and held it out, inviting him closer.

For the first time in his life he was at a complete loss about what to do. If this had been any other woman he wouldn't have hesitated. His eyes were glued to her lips as she smiled at him and any doubt was gone as he slowly walked forward. Her wet hand slid up his chest as he knelt beside the tub, he realised he hadn't put his shirt on before leaving his room. He shivered at the feel of her smooth wet hand running over his abs, across his nipples and towards his neck.

She sat up and the bubbles fell away, revealing firm, pert breasts that he desperately wanted to touch. Her hand slid around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss, her soft, pink lips meeting his in a rush of euphoric bliss. He gripped her head in his hands, taking control of the kiss, the throbbing of his heart matched by the throbbing in his erect member. As her lips parted and his tongue found hers he groaned in absolute pleasure.

Her hands found their way to his belt, skilfully unfastening his trousers and sliding them down over his hips. As she brushed across his erection he heard her moan at his intake of breath. She rolled down his boxers and he almost came at the feel of her fingers surrounding him.

'James,' she whispered again as he kissed his way down her neck, eagerly anticipating the feel of her nipple in his mouth. 'James.' The sound of his name on her lips aroused him even more, it was his fantasy come to life.

His fingers softly ran over her back, slowly coming around to cup her breast and he felt her shiver as his thumb ran across her pebbled nipple. He cupped her breast as his lips closed on their target, as he felt the smoothness of her skin beneath his tongue. She leaned back, giving him better access as her breast rose to meet his mouth. He moaned as she ran her thumb around his tip and his lips closed around the nipple that fit perfectly into his mouth.

He was in heaven with an angel in his arms and he never wanted to leave. Her moans urged him on and wanted so badly to be inside her, to feel her around him. It was an aching need and he was eager to sate it. He stood up and stepped out of his trousers and boxers then slowly stepped into the tub. Shepard's eyes on him only drove his need and as she ran her wet hands up his thighs and cupped his backside he groaned and dropped his head back. Her tongue was warm as it ran up his member and as her lips closed around him he braced himself on the wall so his trembling legs would hold him up.

'Lola,' he moaned as she drove him to the edge.

Pulling back he dropped into the water, dragging her into his arms and holding her flush against his chest. Their lips clashed and tongues fought for dominance as she spread her legs around him, giving him access to the most private part of her. He accepted the invitation and as his tip found her entrance he stopped and looked into her beautiful eyes, he wanted to watch as he took her and claimed her as his.

'James,' she moaned

He brushed the hair off her face and kissed her tenderly, wanting to be inside her but not wanting to rush it. He wanted to see and feel every second of their joining. He pulled back and met her eyes and saw want looking back at him.

* * *

'James,' her voice was louder now and her hand was on his shoulder, shaking him. 'James!'

His eyes shot open and disorientation overwhelmed him. Shepard was looking down at him, her beautiful brown eyes sparkling with amusement.

'Hey, Lola,' he was still in that space between sleep and waking and his mind hadn't quite caught up.

'That must have been some dream,' she smiled at him.

James was instantly alert. He sat up, thankful that he'd at least covered himself with a blanket that hid his still throbbing member. Her hand on his bare shoulder was warm and the memory of the dream only enhanced the feel of her skin against his. It wasn't helping his predicament. He couldn't stand up or everything would become blatantly obvious.

'What's wrong,' he forced his mind to focus.

'Nothing,' she removed her hand and perched on the edge of the bed. 'Anderson is on his way over, I thought you might want to be awake when he gets here.'

'Okay, thanks,' he scrubbed his face with his hands and realised she still hadn't moved away.

'Care to share,' she grinned at him, 'give me something to dream about.'

'Ah … I don't …' He couldn't tell if she was serious or not and he gaped at her.

'Don't panic, James,' she patted his shoulder and stood up. 'You might want to put on a shirt, a girl can only control herself for so long.' With a mischievous laugh she moved to leave the room but looked back at him over her shoulder. 'You'll have to tell me who Lola is, someone special if you're dreaming about her.' Then she was gone.

James groaned and dropped back onto the bed. _What the fuck!_ Of all the times for his dreams to play out that fantasy. He rolled to the edge of the bed and planted his feet firmly on the floor, adjusting his boxers as they rubbed against him. The bathroom floor was cold and it helped awaken the rest of him as he ran the shower. He shivered as he stepped in but his erection refused to abate. He looked down at himself and cursed, he refused to give in to his need, he would just have to wait for his body to settle. But the cold water definitely wasn't helping.


	8. Chapter 8

**** 8 ****

Anderson had already arrived by the time James showered and dressed and he was more than a little relieved. James really didn't think he could meet Shepard's eyes right then, not without his face flushing and probably getting tongue-tied. From the look on Anderson's face James assumed he wasn't here with good news. Everyone else made themselves scarce as the three of them sat at the table.

'Shepard, I have news but I'm not sure if you're going to like it.'

'Probably not, but I can't ignore it,' she shrugged and Anderson snorted a laugh.

'True enough,' he sighed and met her eyes. 'They've reinstated you, brought you back to life and into the Alliance fold.'

James would have thought that was good news, it meant they would have to listen to her, read her reports and support her. The way Shepard's face fell he guessed there was more to it. He'd never been one for following the politics of command or for understanding the need to bow to the demands of other races. Yeah, he knew about keeping the peace, working together and all that, but the Alliance was a human institution and he always believed they would put humanity first, especially when it came to one of their own. He'd always trusted the Alliance, gone where they told him to go and done what they told him to do. His view was limited and after Fehl Prime he discovered it wasn't so black and white, there was a lot of grey. He realised he was going to have to delve deeper into the political bullshit that surrounded them if he wanted to understand what was going on.

'Of course they have, on paper at least,' Shepard scoffed and James looked at her in concern. 'It's only so they can take it away again, legally. I have no real authority do I?' Her brow furrowed, 'they still don't believe me, do they?'

'No,' Anderson shook his head and James watched Shepard's face fall even further. 'It also means that under Alliance protocol for prisoners that you are not allowed contact with the outside and you'll have to disable or surrender your omnitool.'

'Fuck them!' Shepard stood up and started pacing. 'If they want to ignore the threat and play nice with the batarians, let them.' She stopped and looked at Anderson for a moment before taking up her pacing again. 'As long as you and Hackett believe me and are doing something about it the others can go to hell. My crew will be out there spreading the word, doing what they can, maybe together we can save a few lives, make sure someone survives.'

'Shepard, you can't just ignore the brass.' Anderson sat back and watched her pace. 'They'll want to question you, about Bahak, about your time with Cerberus.'

She stopped pacing, moved quickly to the table and leant on her fists, her arms trembled from anger and frustration as she glared at Anderson. 'And I'll answer their fucking questions truthfully!' She pushed off the table and returned to pacing. 'Who knows, someone, somewhere might just take notice.' She laughed but it was cold and hard, 'guess they'll have no choice when the Reapers land on their heads. Maybe I should just shut up and leave them to their fate.'

James was suddenly very aware of the defensive wall Shepard surrounded herself with and from Anderson's worried face he guessed it wasn't going to be easy to get through. Shepard continued to pace, clenching and unclenching her fists and James was afraid she was going to punch something.

'We should never have brought you back here,' Anderson blew out a breath, sat forward, folded his hands together on the table and stared at it as if he could gain insight from the smooth surface. 'You need to be out there, convincing the Council, gathering the races together.'

'The Council doesn't believe me any more than the Alliance does,' Shepard scoffed.

'Maybe not as a whole but as individuals they have to be concerned. There are opportunities there and you should be taking advantage of them, not stuck in here.' His eyes flashed angrily as he looked up at Shepard.

'Oh, it's not a bad place to be stuck,' she stopped, cocked her hip and waved her arms around the room before folding her arms across her chest. 'It's certainly one of the nicest prisons I've ever stayed in.' She sighed and sat down, reaching out to take Anderson's hand. 'You and I both know I need to be here. If we can't get the Alliance to listen then Earth is already lost.'

'Just hope it's not too late when they do,' Anderson squeezed her hand before letting go and bringing up his omnitool. 'They've already scheduled medical exams and psych evals, starting tomorrow.' His eyes narrowed as she groaned, 'You have to do this Shepard. Please don't piss of the doctors before we even start.'

'Okay, just for you,' she rolled her eyes and he chuckled.

'James, you've got her schedule, make sure she's at every appointment early.' He watched as James read the information that appeared on his omnitool. 'You are not to leave her alone at any time, is that clear.'

'Ah, yes, sir,' James' eyes narrowed. 'You want me to listen in on her psych sessions and watch them perform medical exams?' He glanced at Shepard before continuing, 'isn't that an invasion of the Commander's privacy?'

'No, I want you to make sure she's not injected with anything, brainwashed or taken by surprise if a doctor has been bought. Do you understand?'

'Yes sir,' James nodded.

'It's all right, LT,' Shepard chuckled at him, 'I've suffered much worse than having someone watch me get naked or pour my heart out.'

James was intrigued. What kind of situations had she been in where any of that had been necessary? He still hadn't finished her files and he was guessing that something in her N7 dossier would enlighten him.

'The Normandy is arriving tomorrow,' Anderson informed them but his manner alerted James that something had happened.

'What went wrong?' Shepard obviously felt the same.

'There was an altercation on Illium,' Anderson waved her down as she went to stand. 'Cerberus sent mercs to try and take the Normandy back.' He chuckled and shook his head, 'guess they didn't want to be too obvious but they should have spent their money more wisely. They tried to take the ship as soon as she docked. The entire crew was on board and the Alliance team was waiting on the dock. The mercs never stood a chance.'

'So my crew and ship are okay?'

'Yes, everyone who left was warned to be on alert and guards will be provided for everyone coming back to Earth.'

'What's going to happen to Joker and Dr Chakwas?' Shepard relaxed a little but James could see the tension around her eyes.

'They both took an indefinite leave of absence from the Alliance so they're covered and we've made sure they can't be charged or arrested.' Anderson stood up as his omnitool beeped, 'don't worry Shepard, we're taking care of them.'

'Good,' she stepped around the table and Anderson pulled her into a hug, 'thanks, David.'

All trace of Commander Shepard was gone. James watched as her eyes closed and she sucked in a trembling breath. There she was again, that warm caring woman underneath the shell and she was afraid. Anderson held her for a moment before meeting her eyes. When she nodded he released her and pulled himself erect, covering his emotions just like the Commander. Once again two N7s stood before James and he wondered if pulling on that persona was something they taught at N school.

'James,' Anderson indicated that he should walk him out. 'How's the team working out?'

'Fine sir.'

'I've arranged for Joker to bring over some of Shepard's personal belongings when they dock. You are not to leave them alone, is that understood.'

'Is there something I should know about?' James glanced across at Shepard.

'No, but we need to do this right, not leave any room for accusations of favouritism or give the batarians anything to complain about.' Anderson placed his hand on James' shoulder. 'You're her guard James, not her LT or her friend. You need to remember that.'

'Yes sir, but I thought you put me here so I could be a friend, someone she could talk to.'

'I did, but don't make it obvious.' Anderson watched him as James thought about it.

'Understood, sir.'

With a nod Anderson was gone. James stood for a moment, staring absently at the closed door before feeling eyes on him. He turned to find Shepard watching him and she gave him a weak smile. For a moment she looked vulnerable before her face lost all emotion and she moved into the kitchen. James followed, his confused thoughts making him wonder if he should be the friend she needed or keep his distance. Could he do both and still do his job? Her hands trembled ever so slightly as she poured coffee and he realised that he needed to do both and deal with the consequences.

'Hey, Shepard,' he placed his hand gently on her shoulder, her warmth travelling through him and he shivered lightly. She glanced at his hand and he promptly removed it. 'Are you okay?'

'Yeah,' she sighed and leaned against the counter. 'I guess I expected it but it still hurts.'

'So, does this mean I should go back to calling you Commander,' James' amused stare made her smirk.

'Do you want me to start calling you Jimmy Vega,' she grinned at his scowl. 'You know, that's a good name for male dancer in Afterlife. Maybe I can get Aria to give you a job.'

'Ah, no thanks, I'm saving this body for someone special,' he winked and she chuckled. 'I am interested in how you know Aria, I didn't think anyone could claim that.'

'That's a story for another time,' she sighed and picked up her coffee.

'How about I make us some dinner and you can tell me,' he watched as her face clouded over.

'Thanks, but I think I'm going to bed, need to be rested to face the doctors tomorrow. You'd better take this.' She handed him her omnitool and turned to leave.

'Hey, Shepard,' she paused and looked at him over her shoulder, 'I know Anderson said I shouldn't leave you alone but if you want privacy …'

'No, James, Anderson is right. You need to do your job and that means not leaving me alone. It's okay.'

'Pleasant dreams,' James nodded and she grinned at him.

'Hopefully they'll be as good as yours.'

His face coloured and she was chuckling as she walked away. His eyes betrayed him as they dropped to her backside, its gentle sway hypnotic in its movement. _Damn, no-one should look that sexy in BDUs._ Realising just how inappropriate it was he turned away, running his fingers through his hair as he set about gathering supplies to make a meal. What right did he have to condemn Buckner when he was just as bad? He needed to get control, behave like a marine and not a man in heat. But damn if she didn't look good and he couldn't help but admire.

His fingers ran over her omnitool and he looked down at it. She didn't deserve this. Everything she'd ever done had been to save others, despite what he thought, and now they were treating her like dirt under their boots. He clenched his fist around the tool and understood the trust she'd placed in him, he did not intend to break that. He dropped it into his pocket and concentrated on cooking, it was something to stop his thoughts from wandering because lately they seemed to continually wander in Shepard's direction.

James joined Stokes in the surveillance room, dinner in hand and with the intention of reading more of Shepard's files. Stokes was watching information roll across his screen and went to stand as James took a seat beside him.

'What is that stuff?' James waved him down and indicated the screen before chewing on a mouthful of food.

'This is everything that comes in and goes out of this place.' Stokes pointed to a line of text that appeared on the screen, 'Bruckner just sent a message to someone and that,' he grinned at another line of text, 'Reigler just opened his personal account on Find the One.'

'The dating site,' James looked up wide-eyed, 'I wouldn't think someone like him would need that.'

'Maybe he doesn't,' Stokes chuckled, 'some people do it just for fun.'

'So, do you know the details of Bruckner's message?' James asked as he finished his meal.

'I can find out if I need to,' Stokes shrugged. 'The minute we walked through the door the security picked up on our omnitools, they're now part of the system. While we're on this job we're watched and tracked.'

'Doesn't that make it easy for any threats to find us?' James' relaxed state changed to one of concern.

'No, it's a closed system, only you and I have access.' Stokes chuckled as James groaned, 'not good with tech, sir?'

'Not overly,' James shook his head. 'Not unless you call ripping out wires being good with tech.'

'I can show you how it all works, it's pretty simple really.'

Stokes proceeded to explain the system as James listened intently. While he had a good feeling about him and trusted Stokes he needed to know how it all worked.

'I think I'll just trust you to keep me informed,' James' head was spinning after thirty minutes of tech talk. 'Just let me know if you find anything suspicious.' James knew he would have to check on Stokes but for now he was willing to let him do his job.

'I've set up search parameters for the most obvious things so the system will warn us if certain words, phrases, images or signals appear.' James' omnitool beeped and he opened it up as Stokes continued, 'this is the list, some standard Alliance protocols, some not so common things but if there's anything you think should be added let me know.'

'This is good work, Stokes,' James was impressed at the information on his screen, Stokes was only twenty two but his manner spoke of experience well beyond his years. 'What do you actually do when you're not on special assignment?'

'I'm a cyber-spook,' he laughed as James gaped at him. 'Yes we do exist. I watch for the boogeymen who want to infiltrate Alliance or government systems. I also follow up leads on suspicious cyber activity outside the Alliance among other things.'

'Wow, so you could wipe me out of existence with the push of a button.' James grinned at him. 'How'd you end up here?'

'Pretty much and the Alliance found me. Let's just say that I was in a position where it was prison or the Alliance. The Alliance was the better choice.' Stokes shrugged and James decided that he liked this young sergeant. 'Can I ask you something, sir?'

'Sure, and lose the sir. No need to be formal unless the brass is around.'

'What's it like … going off world, serving on a ship or another planet?'

James thought for a moment, 'it's different. Earth will always be home and it's nice to have feet firmly on the ground but out there … working with aliens takes a bit of getting used to. Strangely they're like us, just different looking.' An image of Treeya invaded his thoughts but he pushed it aside. 'Space is big, really big,' James chuckled, 'makes you feel insignificant.'

'I wish I could do that,' Stokes sighed. 'Do you believe Shepard, about the Reapers?'

'Yep, I was at the Citadel when they took down Sovereign,' James shook his head, 'how these pendejo politicians can deny it is beyond me. That ship was huge and the amount of firepower … then the collectors'

'So we have to make sure she survives because we need her for what's coming.'

'Yes we do,' James met the younger man's eyes, 'with our life if necessary.'

'Understood, sir,' Stokes nodded and James could see the conviction in his eyes. Yes, James definitely liked him.


	9. Chapter 9

**** 9 ****

James was trying not to fidget. The muscles in his legs ached, his fingers cramped and his back was definitely making itself known. Parade rest had never felt so uncomfortable. He fought the urge to move as his eyes stayed focused on the ceiling, the floor, the wall, the desk in the corner, anywhere other than the examination table in the middle of the room.

'What's the matter, James, never seen a woman in her underwear before?' Shepard was laughing at him as the deep tissue scanner passed overhead.

'Oh, I've seen plenty of women in their underwear,' he almost slipped and looked at her.

'Then why are you so nervous?'

'Not nervous,' he shook his head and without thinking looked in her direction. His heart was pounding in his ears as he was drawn to the slow rise and fall of her breasts covered in black lace, the contour of her hips with black lace panties and long, slender legs. That underwear was definitely not regulation. 'Just respecting your privacy, ma'am.' He forced his eyes back to the ceiling as she groaned at him.

He had at least expected a curtain to allow Shepard a little privacy but the table was out in the open. She undressed without the slightest hint of discomfort, which hadn't helped James when she'd bent over to climb onto the table. A black lace G-string was definitely not what he expected and the sight of her bare ass almost made him moan aloud.

'So, how many women have you seen in their underwear?'

'What?' His eyes flicked back towards her. 'I … there's been …' he sighed and tried again, closing his eyes to regain some semblance of control. 'A few.'

'Impressive,' the female doctor commented and James' eyes flew open.

He was relieved to find that she was referring to the image on the screen and not his history with women. He quietly sucked in a breath and looked at the internal reflection of Shepard that had the doctor so enthralled.

'Cerberus certainly spared no expense,' the doctor was zooming in on parts of the image. 'I read Dr Chakwas' reports but this is amazing.'

'Four billion credits,' Shepard informed her and received a stunned stare in response. James still found it hard to comprehend the amount of credits spent on Shepard.

'This is certainly impressive work. Their technicians and surgeons must have been some of the best.' The doctor was slowly moving the image, working her way up Shepard's body.

James could see that implants replaced parts of her skeleton, cybernetics replaced organs and it made him even more aware that she really had been dead. The image of the burned mass popped into his head and bile rose in his throat. He choked it down and glanced at Shepard.

She was avoiding the screen. Her eyes stared at the ceiling and he could see a slight shake in her hand as it lay on the table beside her hip. His eyes narrowed as she swallowed hard and the rate of her breathing increased. Something was wrong. It had to do with her scans, with the implants that kept her alive. Why would she be upset over that? The fact that they were keeping her alive should be a good thing. The doctor had zoomed all the way out and it hit him then. There was so much of it. Shepard wasn't afraid of the tech, she was afraid of what it made her.

'Hey, Shepard,' he allowed himself to relax and his voice came out soft but husky, 'I'm pretty sure that underwear isn't regulation.' He allowed his gaze to linger, his traitorous body reacted the only way it knew how and he was thankful his trousers were a little loose, but he didn't look away.

'No, it's definitely not,' she clenched her fist, 'maybe I wore it just to upset you.' She flashed him a look that was part terror and part relief.

'Oh, it's not upsetting me,' he grinned as her eyes widened but he noticed her fingers relax. 'I quite like the view,' his grin widened as he continued, 'sexy, hot woman laid out before me, I'm only human Shepard, just like you. I might have to wander around in my underwear, see how this hot bod affects you.'

She choked back what sounded like a sob as she turned her face towards him, her eyes glistened but she was smiling, 'I might like that.'

He was lost for words. His mind dropped to the depths at the thought of her watching him wearing nothing but his underwear and where that could possibly lead. She chuckled and he shook his head with a laugh.

'I bet I know where your mind just went,' she was calm and relaxed now and he was pleased with himself.

'Maybe you've just given me more dream material,' he gave her a lopsided grin and she smirked. 'I am curious though, how do you stop the rough fabric of Alliance trousers from chafing your ass.' Her laughter echoed around the room and James couldn't help the self-satisfied smirk that plastered his face. Making her laugh was definitely something he would like to do more often.

'You can get dressed now, Shepard,' the doctor broke into their banter. 'I need to take samples, blood and urine, then you're free to go.'

'Thanks, doc,' Shepard rolled her eyes at James as she sat up and he averted his gaze. 'Really looking forward to that.'

It wasn't long before they were on their way to the psychiatric wing. James was on edge. They were out in the open, easy targets as they crossed the central garden between buildings. He could see Shepard glancing around, checking out sniper positions or watching the few people taking their breaks or crossing the area just like them. Stokes, on the other side of Shepard was also alert, his eyes constantly on the move. As they passed through the doors James let out a sigh of relief and heard Stokes do the same. Shepard simply chuckled and both men looked at her in surprise.

'Something funny, Shepard,' James put himself between her and the hallway as they waited for the elevator.

'No, just thankful you're both alert,' she looked from Stokes to James, 'makes a girl feel safe having two strong marines watching over her.'

'Yeah, right,' James scoffed, 'we both know you could have us out cold in seconds.'

'Aw, James, a big hunk like you, I think it might take me a bit longer.'

James couldn't stop the flush that rushed to his face as she looked at him from under lowered eyelids. Shepard just chuckled and he shook his head with a grin. She was definitely not what he expected and it might take him a while to get used to her manner but he was discovering that he liked it. She might be afraid of the tech she carried but he couldn't see her as anything other than human, and that was a little disconcerting. He was supposed to see her as his prisoner, a criminal who was guilty of killing thousands. Not much chance of that.

As they stepped into the psychiatrist's office her amused mood disappeared and she became Commander Shepard. James closed the door behind him and stood at parade rest. He knew Stokes was doing exactly the same on the outside and he was glad he'd brought the young marine, he did his job without question or doubt.

'I think you should wait outside, lieutenant,' the doctor frowned at James.

'Sorry, sir, can't do that.'

'This is a private session, what is said in this room is for my ears only.'

'I have my orders, sir. Shepard is not to be left alone with anyone.' James watched as the doctor went to speak again but quickly stepped forward and spoke softly in his ear, 'Shepard can kill with her little finger, do you really want to be alone with her if she decides she wants to escape?'

The doctor stared at him open mouthed before giving him a subtle nod and moving to his desk. Shepard dropped her head but James knew she was grinning. He focussed his view on the opposite wall and settled himself for what he believed was going to be an interesting hour or two.

An hour later he was redefining his thoughts on interesting. The doctor was frustrated, Shepard was frustrated, hell, he was frustrated just watching and listening. He knew Shepard was N7, that meant something and he was getting to witness it. The doctor was trying to get under her skin, see the woman beneath but Shepard was keeping him out. She was telling him exactly what he wanted to hear, playing the part of the tough Alliance soldier perfectly. The doctor knew it. As a trained N7 Shepard was able to withstand torture, resist coercion and handle interrogations. That was exactly what she was doing.

'Shepard, I'm not your enemy here,' the doctor threw his pen on the table disappointedly. James was surprised that anyone still preferred to write, although he was writing on an electronic tablet.

'Aren't you?' Shepard glared at him. 'You hold my future, possibly my life in your hands, doc. One word from you and I could be locked in a room somewhere and sedated for the rest of my life.'

'So why are you resisting me?' The puzzled frown creased his forehead deeply and James guessed he was disappointed in himself rather than Shepard. He'd hoped to gain her trust.

'It doesn't matter what I say, really. Does it?' She stormed to her feet, the chair tipping backwards before righting itself. The doctor flinched but Shepard either didn't see it or ignored it. She was pacing now and James could see the tension in her shoulders.

'Shepard, please …' the doctor tried to take back control but failed as Shepard continued to pace, her voice soft but powerful as she stopped his words.

'If I say I worked for Cerberus willingly, I'm a traitor, if I say I was coerced I'm brainwashed and unfit for duty. How about if I say I worked with Cerberus because the Alliance and the Council refused to help me? That makes me resentful, untrustworthy of those in command.' She glanced at James as she turned on her heel and he could see determination in her eyes, she was in total control. He was in awe of that control.

'Now, Shepard …' the doctor hadn't completely given up.

'If I tell you that there are giant synthetics coming to kill us all I'm paranoid, if I say I imagined it all I'm delusional. Why not just say I'm a paranoid delusional who needs constant surveillance and medication. If I tell you that I spoke to one of those synthetics, that his voice was in my head then I'm insane and should be institutionalised.

'Then we get to the destruction of a solar system which of course I did willingly because they were batarians and I must hate batarians because of Mindoir.' She waved her hands in the air as if to emphasise the thought. 'If I say I don't care I'm a cold hearted, ruthless bitch who shouldn't be in command. If I say I regret every single death and it eats at me I'm guilt ridden and emotionally compromised. If I say the collectors were coming to harvest humans to make a hybrid synthetic by sucking up humans and turning them into soup I'm lying. If I destroyed those collectors to save humanity I have a hero complex and I'm full of my own self-worth. If I'm distraught by the loss of so many human lives before I destroyed them then we're back to the guilt complex.'

She stopped pacing and leant on the desk, the doctor leaned back as if he could get away from her tirade. James was absolutely floored by her estimation of the situation and yet she was right. It didn't matter what she said they were out to destroy her.

'Then of course there is the whole coming back from the dead thing. That's just not possible is it so I have to be lying. Which means I turned traitor and spent two years working for Cerberus without anyone knowing? The destruction of the SR-1 was deliberate, the loss of my crew heartless so what does that make me.' For the first time there was a hint of emotion on her face but it was quickly gone. 'If I don't talk with you I'm refusing to co-operate but if I do I'm easily influenced and probably emotionally unstable.' She dropped into the chair and glared at the doctor, 'so, tell me doc, which option should I choose?'

James had to give the doctor credit because he didn't answer immediately. He was thoughtful for a moment before leaning forward and talking softly, his manner now that of someone who genuinely cared.

'Shepard, I've followed your career and you with interest.' He sighed and a grin flicked across his face but quickly disappeared. 'I have to admit that it was purely professional, I was interested to see how you dealt with everything you've had to face and I know you've faced a lot for someone still young.' Shepard snorted a laugh and the doctor allowed his grin to re-appear, he couldn't have been too much older than her. 'I've never met anyone who has come back from the dead after so long and I was curious, it had to affect you both emotionally and physically. I admit, I wanted to get inside your head, see how your mind worked. You're a very unique person Shepard and that makes you interesting and special.'

He sighed and sat back in his chair, 'You're right, it doesn't matter what I write, right now the powers that be just want you out of the way. But,' he paused and sat forward again, his eyes locked on Shepard's, 'if you tell me there are giant monsters coming to kill us all I believe you. One thing I have learned from watching you all these years is that you don't lie and that you do care, about your crew, about everyone. I'll say it again, Shepard, I am not your enemy.'

'How did you get this job, doc?' Shepard held his gaze.

'I asked for it,' he shrugged and she chuckled. 'I know David Anderson personally, we've compared notes on you over the years and he was devastated when you died, we had more than a few drinks with you as the topic of conversation. When you came back I was as much a disbeliever as anyone else, until he sent me the Lazarus files once you passed them on.' He shook his head with a chuckle, 'I think he was preparing me for this. After Bahak we had dinner and he dropped the hint that you were surrendering. I knew the brass would make you jump through hoops so I made sure I was one of them. David just laughed at me, that's when I knew I'd been set up.'

James grunted and they both turned to look at him. 'What, Anderson has a lot to answer for.'

'So, doc,' Shepard sighed, 'what are you going to put in your report?'

'I don't have to submit a report just yet, we have a few of these sessions to get through,' he shook his head at Shepard's groan. 'Don't worry, I won't force you to pour your heart out, although if you need an ear you've got one. How about we just stick to the schedule for now, the Defence Council is in no hurry to see you so we've got some time.'

'Thanks, doc,' Shepard stood up and shook his hand, a genuine smile on her face and James saw the moment she went from patient to hero and possibly friend. The sudden tightness in his chest took him by surprise and he sucked in a breath to drive it away.

'Well, that was interesting,' James commented as he led them by a circuitous route back to the shuttle on the roof. He wasn't taking any chances by following the same route twice, and it was only in his head so no-one but him had any idea where they were going.

'You could say that,' Shepard chuckled then without skipping beat, 'so, Stokes, how many women have you admired in their underwear?'

'None, ma'am,' he grinned as both Shepard and James turned surprised faces towards him, 'their underwear doesn't stay on long enough for me to admire it.'

'Oh, I like him,' she laughed as they entered the elevator to the roof.


	10. Chapter 10

**** 10 ****

Shepard's mood darkened the closer they got to their accommodations. The wall she was building became more and more impenetrable. No amount of lighthearted banter or conversation seemed to draw a reaction. James blamed it on Anderson. If he hadn't called them into his office she would still have been happy. James liked it when she was happy.

Right now he was concerned. His eyes flicked across to Shepard. She stared vacantly out the window of the sky car, her fists were clenched in her lap, the white knuckles only making him worry more. Stokes was out of the car as it touched down, sweeping the roof of the building before giving James the all clear.

'Shepard?' James opened her door but she continued to sit and stare. 'Shepard, come on,' he held out his hand, if he was lucky she'd accept his support.

He was relieved when she moved but it was short lived as she turned her eyes towards him. There was no spark, no fire. He was used to seeing her eyes full of life and his guts clenched in fear at the emptiness he saw there. She ignored his offered hand, stepped out of the car and marched towards the elevator. James hurried to catch up and as the doors closed behind him a tidal wave washed over him and he almost staggered. Shepard's face was devoid of any emotion but whatever she was feeling roiled around her like a living thing, churning and twisting the air as it sought release. Stokes' face was pale so James knew he wasn't the only one feeling it. He turned to face the door and the fire on his back threatened to blister his skin.

For the first time since meeting her James got a true sense of the warrior, of her strength. It made him feel inadequate and he realised that if she ever decided to escape there was no way he would be able to stop her. It was humbling and arousing and he cursed his mind for taking him down an inappropriate path. But at the same time he wanted more. It was intoxicating, invigorating and volatile. He wanted to feel that emotion explode around him, to suck him in and caress him with its burning fingers. He wanted to taste the life that she buried so deep inside, unleash the passion that was so well controlled.

The door opening brought his thoughts back into focus. Once more the controlled soldier he nodded to the guards at the door and led Shepard inside. Silently she continued her march directly into her room and closed the door behind her.

'Fuck!' Stokes leant on the table as if he needed its support. 'Did you feel that?' He looked at James for confirmation that he wasn't going mad.

'Yeah,' James nodded as he stared at the closed door. The lingering aftermath of Shepard still tugged at his senses.

'How the hell are we supposed to stop her from escaping if she decides she doesn't want to be here anymore?'

'Did you ever expect that we could,' Zahedi spoke from the kitchen and James dragged his eyes around to face him. 'She is a force of nature, her passion and intelligence make her the perfect warrior. She is driven to protect the innocent, to defend life. It is her calling.' Zahedi grinned at James, his white teeth stark against his dark skin. 'I see the same in you.'

'Are you a mind reader now Zahedi,' Stokes was shaking his head.

'No, I just see things a little better than others.' Zahedi laughed and turned away.

James went to speak but realised he didn't know what to say so he closed his mouth. What did others see in him to make them think he was like Shepard? They were both soldiers, they had sworn to defend the defenceless, but so had every other soldier. Shepard was relentless, never hesitating to stand up for the weak or innocent or do what needed to be done. She could make the hard choices, like killing thousands to save billions. Could he do that? Then he realised, in his own way he already had, just not on the same scale. Was it easy for her or did she struggle with the decision? Did it tear her apart the way his decision on Fehl Prime did?

He glanced at the closed door. He was confident it did, now. Once he wouldn't have been so sure but he'd seen the pain in her eyes, he glimpsed the way she hid it all away. He knew she'd be feeling that pain right now and he also knew she wouldn't let anyone else see it or help her deal with it. It amazed him that in such a short time his perceptions had been flipped on their head. The reality of Shepard had hit him in the face and opened his eyes.

He moved to the window and looked out over Alliance HQ to the city of Vancouver beyond. His eyes took in the skyline and he followed it to the spaceport where he knew the Normandy had docked. His expectations followed his gaze and flew away on the wind. He understood now that he couldn't have expectations with Shepard, she was unique, special, and didn't fit into any mould he'd ever seen. It was freeing, it allowed him to accept her for who she was, not for who he thought she should be.

'What are you cooking, Zahedi?' Stokes' voice made him jump.

The aroma of roasting meat invaded his senses and he glanced towards the kitchen where Zahedi was leaning against the bench. Obviously the man had been busy and the thought of a roast dinner had his mouth watering. Maybe a decent meal would help pull Shepard out of the mood she was in, as long as he could get her to eat it.

* * *

Shepard closed the door behind her. The gentleness in her hands a glaring contrast to the tumultuous cacophony in her head. She stood at the base of the bed and stared at the view out the window but she may as well have been facing a blank wall. It held no attraction for her. Anderson's words rolled around her mind like a wrecking ball, destroying any hope she had that this would be over and she could get back out there and start preparing.

Four weeks. She started pacing; the pain in her hands forced her to release her fingers and allow circulation to return. Four weeks of wasted time while the brass waited for their experts to go over her reports and medical exams. What the fuck was she supposed to do for four weeks! For the first time since surrendering she actually felt like a prisoner. She couldn't go anywhere, wasn't supposed to see anyone and had no contact with the outside world except through James or Anderson.

She tangled her fingers in her hair and pulled. She wanted to scream, to punch something and it would be really nice to blow something up. Her emotions were running a gauntlet. Anger, frustration, disappointment and betrayal all beat at her, knocking her slowly to the ground. She fought for control but it slipped through her fingers even as she grasped frantically for it. Determined not to let it get the better of her she stormed into the bathroom and stripped off the uniform that meant so much to her but right now only reminded her that she had no control.

She paused as she fingered the lace bra and panties. Kasumi had convinced her to buy them for that special moment when she wanted to turn on a man. It had never happened. The one man she'd thought would be the one to see them had left her broken and desolate on Horizon. She'd thought about wearing them for Thane but hearing him talk about his wife had pushed her away. Garrus had always been there for her just like Joker but they were too much like brothers for her to turn to them. The underwear had become a joke, so much of a joke that she'd worn them just to annoy James. Now she felt ridiculous.

It was clear that James didn't like her, she'd felt his animosity on the Normandy, on the Orizaba. She'd seen the pain in his eyes and knew he was fighting his way out of a bad place. She knew because she'd been there. If he needed to blame her for that then so be it. She knew all about that too, wanting to blame someone else because you couldn't accept the choices you made. If the best they could do was some casual banter then it would have to do.

Loneliness overwhelmed her and she choked back a sob as she turned on the shower and stepped in. The water was hot, almost burning and her body absorbed the heat, relaxing muscles that had been tense for too long. Unfortunately it relaxed other things as well. She felt tears burning but forced them back, she wasn't going to cry. She wasn't going to give in to the despair and pain that ate at her core. She didn't cry, she was Commander Shepard, it was a weakness she couldn't afford. Her heart and soul had other ideas.

Everything hit her at once. Her death and its aftermath, the loss of the man she thought she loved, the separation from her crew and her ship, those she cared about, who were her friends and support. She had no-one, she was completely alone. Before she knew it she was curled against the wall sobbing uncontrollably.

She was finding it hard to breathe as wracking cries tore from her chest. Her body had decided it needed to release everything she'd held back for so long and she shivered uncontrollably. She slid to the floor. The hot water became painful barbs pricking her skin, and any hope of control washed down the drain. It wasn't until she felt something soft wrapping around her that she realised the water had stopped.

Gentle hands picked her up and held her firmly against a solid chest. Those hands carried her as if she was precious, a baby in need of tenderness. She was a mass of shivering jelly and the arms tightened around her. She felt secure, safe, and it gave her the moment she needed to pull herself together. The strength in the arms that held her and the solid mass against her cheek could only belong to one person.

Fighting for each breath as sobs slowly receded she managed to raise her head and was met with concerned, dark brown eyes. She should have made him put her down, get out, not let him see her like this but the warmth in his body and the protection he offered was welcoming and she gave in to it. Just a minute, that was all she needed. A minute to get herself under control. She lowered her head against his shoulder as the tears finally stopped and she could breathe again.

She was still shaking as he carefully laid her down on the bed. It was then she discovered that she was only wrapped in a towel. Her face flushed, she could feel the heat and it wasn't from her partial breakdown, although that was bad enough, and she knew she should be pushing him away. There was no fight in her though. Exhaustion, confusion and gratitude took hold as James tucked her lovingly into bed and removed the wet towel from under the covers. As her eyes closed and she gave up the fight she was sure she felt a kiss on her forehead.

'Sleep, Shepard, I've got your back,' the words were whispered but she felt the truth in them.

As darkness claimed her it occurred to her that maybe she wasn't as alone as she thought.

* * *

James closed the door to Shepard's room, sucked in a breath and dropped his forehead onto the door. He wasn't sure how to react, what to do. When Stokes had quietly called him into the observation room he had never thought he would be picking up a naked Shepard and tucking her into bed. He forced himself to forget about the naked part and concentrate on the broken woman he'd just held in his arms.

He'd shared Stokes' concern when he'd shown him the image of Shepard standing still for almost ten minutes, as if she was in some kind of trance. Then she'd started pacing and he could see the stiffness in her body, he waited for the scream as she pulled at her hair, waited for her anger to release and for broken furniture. But it never came. Instead she disappeared into the bathroom and there were no cameras in there. Forty minutes later she was still in there and both men were worried.

It was a further five minutes before James decided he should check on her. He'd knocked and let her know he was outside the bathroom door but she hadn't responded. He could hear what sounded like sobs, loud wracking sobs that tore at his heart. Hesitantly he opened the door and his heart broke. All hesitation was gone as he grabbed a towel and turned off the water. He gently wrapped the towel around her shaking body and picked her up. The absolute despair on her face shocked him, it was frightening in its intensity and he needed to protect her from it.

Expecting her to hit him, to push him away or yell at him to get out he pulled her into his chest. Her shivering and gasps for breath made him hold her tighter. He felt her move and he looked down meeting red, swollen eyes, eyes that held nothing but pain. He waited for the blows to come, the anger and fight that Commander Shepard would put up. As she lowered her head and tucked herself against his shoulder he realised that this wasn't Commander Shepard, this was _her_, the woman who cared. She was precious and he tenderly tucked her into bed, carefully removing the towel without exposing her nakedness.

He was relieved when she surrendered to sleep and without thinking he placed a soft kiss on her forehead. 'Sleep, Shepard, I've got your back.' Whether she heard him or not he couldn't know as she sighed and relaxed into the bed.

'Is she okay,' Stokes was behind him and James turned to face him. 'Should we call a doctor?'

'No, I don't think so. I think she's just a little overwhelmed,' James scrubbed his face but it didn't help force away the concern. 'She should be fine after some sleep.'

'The Commander will be fine,' Zahedi spoke from the kitchen doorway. 'She is a strong woman, a warrior.'

'That's not what I saw in there,' James glanced over his shoulder at the closed door.

'Do you allow yourself to cry Mr Vega?'

'What sort of question is that?' James moved away from the door so their conversation didn't carry and wake her.

'A simple one,' Zahedi shrugged. 'Do you?'

'No,' James met the dark eyes of the biotic and knew he didn't believe him. 'Not normally.'

'That is as it should be for a warrior,' Zahedi nodded and James frowned at him knowing there was more to come. 'But for the man it is a hard burden to carry, keeping your emotions locked inside, controlling them takes work and sometimes they force their way out.'

James bit his lip as he remembered being unable to control his emotions on Fehl Prime, after …, well, just after. He'd felt embarrassed and weak, it had only made his guilt harder to bear.

'I see you have experienced this,' Zahedi was watching him carefully and James nodded slowly. 'The human body, mind and heart are amazing things. They know what we need and sometimes they force us into submission, it is beyond our control. At times like that we must learn not to fight it, by accepting it we become better men, better warriors. But I think you already know this.'

'Greatness only comes at a cost,' James sighed, remembering Hackett saying that once. He was beginning to understand what he meant.

'If that cost is the loss of our humanity, is it worth it?' Zahedi paused before adding, 'we must accept the humanity in ourselves, allow it control us sometimes, accept the release it offers. Commander Shepard knows this, as do you. Holding it back is necessary, yes, but holding it back too long is unhealthy. It changes us in ways we cannot foresee and that can be dangerous to everyone around us. Do not let yourself be changed, James Vega, you have a part to play yet.'

'I think you've followed the wrong calling, Zahedi,' James shook his head and the biotic laughed.

'I am exactly where I need to be,' he was still chuckling as he returned to the kitchen.

James wasn't in the mood for philosophical thought. He realised his shirt was wet and getting cold so he headed to his room to change but stopped and turned to Stokes.

'Turn off the camera in Shepard's room,' he was thankful when Stokes simply nodded and headed for the observation room. She was naked and there was no need for anyone to see that when she woke up.


End file.
